02 January 2012

two thousand and twelve

From the garden

Firstly, I'm really sorry for my last post. I hope that I did not scare anyone off! I really wanted to write that post before the new year so that I could start fresh in 2012. Tom was really upset to read my last post and (being the eternal optimist that he is) said "What happened was tragic. It was completely heartbreaking and always will be, but you have two choices.. You can let the grief overwhelm you and give up OR you can realise that we are so lucky in so many ways and charge ahead knowing that life is going to be great. And actually, you don't have the option of giving up because we have Sophie and she still needs her mum and dad to be full of life." (or something along those lines).

And I agree with him 100%. Now, that does not mean in anyway that I am not allowed to be sad, to feel pain, to have days when things feel hopeless.. but, it means that I need to stop living in my little bubble of 'life is really cruel to me' and start appreciating what I do have. Tom's dad actually said something to me the other day that really stuck.. he said "every single day you get closer to the day that you will be pregnant".. and that's so true! I never looked at it like that before.. but today I am closer to being pregnant than yesterday and that is great.

(I think that it's been so hard for me because when I fell pregnant with Grace I had already been trying for years to fall pregnant again and had already had two miscarriages. I thought it could not get any worse.. and that was 2 years ago! The next time I fall pregnant will be my 5th pregnancy. I will have to spend the entire pregnancy on full bed rest and have a stitch put in my cervix that has a high risk of causing a miscarriage at 11 weeks. It's actually funny that I am so obsessed with falling pregnant when that is only the very first step in a very long journey!)

So anyway, I still would like to write about Grace and infertility and all those things, but I really don't want this to be a 'dead baby blog' and I just wanted you to know that.

Secondly, These tomatoes came from Tom's mum's garden yesterday, there are hundreds of them (or at least it feels that way).. Pretty awesome hey! (Tom gives me a hard time for having a blog called Grow. Cook. Sew. when we don't actually grow anything at the moment.. so this is for him). If I was allowed to use emoticons I would insert a face with a poking out tongue here.


potts.family said...

You really are an inspiration (as is Tom it appears). Infertility is the cruelest thing in the world and I admire your courage in sharing this with your readers. I pray more then anything else that your journey through pregnancy again is joyful and sooner rather then later. Stay strong.

Kimberley said...

I always planned to have a brilliant garden to blog about. In the past we've had brilliant gardens, but the gardening part of me has to take a back seat where I am right now. It's a pain, but when we love to garden we always find a way to get back to gardening some day.
Besides, plants aren't the only things that grow. People grow in all sorts of ways too.
You'll have lots of growing things to blog about in future, plants and people, I'm sure.

C. said...

Positivity is sometimes so hard to muster, particularly when you have no control over the things you think will make you happy. I once heard something about your children 'choosing' you- so maybe your next child is just waiting for his/her turn, and that may be this month, or it may be next. Good luck- I think you are doing splendidly in what must be very hard times xx

Amanda said...

When I was going through a rough patch a little while back I too found those little negative thoughts entering my mind of 'why me?' I just felt like I had endured more than my fair share of 'crap' in my relatively short life. But as you say, it's important as hard as it might be to try and see things from the positive flip side and I think Tom's Dad's comment is a perfect example. Things will get better for you, focus on all the wonderful things in your life and one day, you will look back on this tough patch and see that you had to go through it in order to have your precious next bub. My Dad used to always say to me 'there is always someone better off than you out there and always someone worse off' and it's so true, as hard as it is to think so at times. Take care xx

Tricia said...

It’s wonderful Katie that you have chosen to write about and share your story.

It’s rough that some of us have a harder time than others when trying to start our families. We recently made a decision to call it a day and settle on having an only child. Although I’m extremely sad that our daughter is an only child, and mourn not having another baby, I wouldn’t take back any of the losses, because through them I gained empathy. Empathy is a wonderful thing and I believe our world would be a far nicer place if there was more of it. wishing you strength. x t.

joanna said...

There's never ever a need to apologise for your feelings...especially feelings like grief which are so hard to bear. I think until you have struggled with fertility issues and loss, you really have no idea what it's like. I just want to thank you for sharing your story and your grief and giving a voice to these issues. Since having a misacarriage last year (and not being able to fall pregnant again yet - and being 42, which sadly means that my time is very limited, I have realised that all too often things like miscarriage, stillbirth, loss etc are kept hidden and not spoken about. You have helped me a great deal with your story - and yes, I understand too that you don't want to be defined by the loss of Grace even though it will always be with you for the rest of your life. And your blog is beautiful in lots of other ways - uplifting, pretty, inspiring and yes, heartbreaking too. And thats all ok - it's your space to share whatever you want. Don't forget too that men and women grieve in different ways - no one way is better than the other. And I understand all too well the deep desire for your child to have a sibling - thats what I so dearly wish for my 3 year old son. And I understand too how very distressing it is when everyone around you falls pregnant so easily - not that you wish them badly, but its normal to ask 'why not me'. In my more balanced moments, I understand that you can't force the river - it flows by itself (even had a thought that helped when swimming today 'my baby, my race' - comparing myself to others, which I tend to do, just isn't helpful).
Anyway, fingers crossed for the baby gods to be kind to you and please know that your blog is a special place for ALL it holds and you are incredibly strong to go through all that you have. xxx

Anonymous said...

I am fairly new to your delightful blog and have been playing catchup. I was really sorry to read about Grace, even though I dont know you my heart tugged. A friend who I met through doing ivf went through something very similar a few years ago and eventually carried a twin pregnancy with stitch in place....there is always hope :) I pray that your dreams are realised.


Anonymous said...

Don't apologise. Don't forget to grieve. YOur grief and subsequent vetting are normal, natural, expected and healthy. Tom is right, but so are you. Grief is a funny and difficult emotion- don't let anyone make you feel bad for it. That said, you are such a wonderful woman it would be a shame to see you consumed by it. Engage that grief, but keep a leash on it so it doesn't overwhelm you. You are beautiful and your family is so special, remember that.

mon petit enfant said...

My closest friend in the world has experienced a very simliar story to yours:- I empathise with your pain and believe you perhaps needed one last 'big bout' of sorrow to move forward! Your pain will lighten, but Grace will never be forgotten. Sending you loads of wishes for 2012 :)

Shannon said...

Katie - your words and kindness helped me through a horrible time mid-2011. I wish you all the health and happiness you deserve and I have my fingers tightly crossed for a beautiful 2012 for you and your family.

Tash said...

I went through your achives to February of last year last night, to January 28. I'm so sorry Katie. Grace is such a beautiful name, you chose beautiful names for both your daughters, Sophie and Grace.

My son, Liam and I held onto each other for as long as we could and there isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't wish that we could have held on just a bit longer. A part of me died with Liam and my life will never be the same without him but i'm keeping the hope that i'll get another chance to be a mother again. I'm in IVF treatments at the moment and if I become pregnant again they will put the cerclage in right away and i'll be on bed rest for the duration of my pregnancy. Realistically my doctor doesn't believe that I can carry to term but by putting in the cerclage right away she says that I can carry past 28 weeks.

I know that you are hoping for the same this year and i'm hoping with all my heart for you too. I'm sorry that we are meeting under these circumstances but i'm happy that Jodi sent you my way. It's comforting to find others who know the heart renching pain of losing a baby, something that most people would rather turn a blind eye to. It's very isolating yes. I went back to work last week after being off for 6 1/2 months and most people haven't said anything about the loss of my son, our fight and us being hospitalized for a month, my being away for over 6 months...it's as though nothing happened but these are people who sit next to me for 8 hours a day, people who congratulated me, talked about my pregnancy daily, gave me parenting tips and some of whom even touched my growing belly. It's sad and strange behavior, I don't understand it, but it seems to be just another awful layer of what it is to be a parent to a lost child. As if we didn't already have enough to deal with.

I hope that this year is kinder to both of us and that it brings us some extra-ordinary surprises.

Peace and love to you,
Tash x

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