Someday.

I read so many stories of women who have discovered their creative side after having kids, almost like motherhood re-wired their brains in some way. This was defiantly me.
While I had an appreciation for art and design before having Sophie, I was far from considering myself a creative person. It was only after Sophie was born that I realised that I could actually make things -myself.

I learnt how to sew and knit and embroider and I fell in love with the incredible satisfaction that comes with making something yourself. And I would feel such a sense of pride when people would ask where I got the pretty top that Sophie was wearing and I could say "I made it myself".

I knew as soon as I started sewing that I would love to be able to start a little business one day selling the things I make at the local markets. The desire was not to make money or share my talents (at this stage I could barely sew a straight line) but I just loved the idea of having my own little shop market stall full of things that I had made. There was no rush, obviously I had to get much better at sewing first, but the idea was never far from my mind.

Life, of course, had other plans and over the next few years I spent all my energy trying to fall pregnant and then trying to stay pregnant, trying to fall pregnant, trying to stay pregnant. Again and again.
After Grace died and I was having trouble falling pregnant again I needed something to take my mind of things. (There was no use going back to work because we kept thinking that I would be pregnant again soon and we knew that I would be on bed rest). Sophie had started pre-school 2 days a week and I told myself that I needed those 2 days to myself to nurture myself (so to speak) and take the time to heal and work through the grief.

I would spend my days at home, taking myself out for coffee or spending a large percentage of my husband's wage at the local fabric store. I told myself that it was good for me to have some time-out but in reality, those two days without Sophie were an excuse for me to wallow.

So, I decided that something had to be done. I could not sit around any longer just waiting to fall pregnant with my life on hold until I did. (I remember when we moved to Perth and I made an appointment to see an obstetrician that deals with high risk pregnancy and the receptionist told me that the next appointment was in 4 months time. I called Tom and told him about the wait and he said "Well that's okay.. you will be pregnant by then". That was more than a year ago.)

I put a small amount of money aside for my little business and set to work.. researching fabric suppliers,   making samples, getting labels made etc. Again, I had no plans to make money or have a proper business, it was just an excuse for me to spend all my spare time sewing and to make kids clothes that I liked. I was getting very excited at the end of last year to see it all starting to come together when..
I fell pregnant. (Of course!)

Last month I packed away all the fabric, patterns, clothes and labels. Packed away my sewing machine and overlocker and shelved that dream for 'someday'.


*Of course, I am not upset that this plan is on hold at all.. I will get to it one day and in the meantime I am very busy doing much more important things.. growing a baby!

Now and then

I have been thinking a lot about pregnancy lately (fancy that?) I have been thinking about how incredibly different it was being pregnant with Sophie. A pregnancy free from worry, a pregnancy that was full of joy and wonder.. and no stress.

I fell pregnant with Sophie a few weeks months after I met Tom. It was a very big surprise (as you can imagine, but one that just felt right). I had the easiest pregnancy (other than a bit of morning sickness in the first few months) and spent the entire pregnancy dreaming about the little baby I would meet at the end. Because being pregnant means that you get a baby at the end, of course.

I was super healthy (other than the strange cheeseburger cravings at 2am), I went to pre-natal yoga twice a week, I walked down to Bondi Beach and went swimming almost every day during summer, I drank fresh juice every morning, I crapped on about how my kids will never have plastic toys or watch tv (so, so ignorant) and I don't think I saw a single doctor during the entire pregnancy.

I gave birth at the local birth centre with a midwife and after a natural 4 hour labour (I mean 4 hours from being fast asleep thinking I had 10 days or so left.. to holding a little baby in my arms. It was so quick!) I went home the same day.

Tom and I thought that this whole baby making thing was pretty damn easy.

And then life had other plans.

The last 3 years or so have been filled with loss and longing. I have spent every single day during that time desperately trying to fall pregnant or desperately trying to stay pregnant. There has not been a single day when I have had relief from those thoughts.

So now I am pregnant for the 5th time. I have seen more doctors than I can count, I have been hospitalised, went through surgery, had more hormones/ pain killers/ antibiotics etc. pumped into my body than I have had in my whole life, had more blood tests, ultrasounds (10 at last count), tests, tubes, monitors.. you name it.

But, the biggest difference? The fear. The fear that haunts you every day. The worry. The Anxiety. The what ifs? The unknown.

The hope. The hope that things will work out this time.


/Photo of me 35 weeks pregnant with Sophie/

Life is good.

A few months ago I had a bit of a breakdown. Not a serious breakdown, but just a particular day when I felt overwhelmed with life.
I had just finished a month of 'monitoring' at the fertility clinic where they had tested my hormone levels almost every single day and told me exactly when I ovulated. I was sure that this was going to be the month. The month I finally fell pregnant, but when half a dozen tests showed negative at the end of the month I was feeling pretty low. And just like every other week, I had about 3 close friends tell me they were pregnant. I felt like it was never going to be my turn and I cried.

Tom, as usual, gave me a big hug and (in his usual motivation speech kind-of-way) said "Baby, it will be your turn soon.. you just have to be patient" then continued "Life is going to be good. No.. life is good. We will find a nice house, we will fill it with babies. We have so much to look forward to in our lives.. We will do nice things, read good books, eat good food, travel the world. Get some chickens" and went on to paint a picture of the life we will create.

I nodded my head. He was right as always. Things were going to be good. Things were ALREADY good.
As Tom walked off I quickly scribbled down what he had said, kind of like a reminder for me when I felt down.
So for Christmas a few months ago, with the help of Tom's architect sister (who has access to a large printer) I made this poster for Tom.

Tom's sisters gave me so much shit for this poster, but Tom thought it was great.. although when I asked him if he would actually hang it up in our new home he said "Um, yeah, maybe in the study" (Where no one can see it)!



P.s I have decided to close comments on this post. I have never had to do this before but I am not strong enough to deal with negative comments at the moment. I will leave it open for a few more days in case anyone wants to add anything. And remember.. please be nice.

P.p.s Joanna Goddard (A cup of Jo) wrote a wonderful post about depression the other day. Please head over and have a read.

two thousand and twelve

Firstly, I'm really sorry for my last post. I hope that I did not scare anyone off! I really wanted to write that post before the new year so that I could start fresh in 2012. Tom was really upset to read my last post and (being the eternal optimist that he is) said "What happened was tragic. It was completely heartbreaking and always will be, but you have two choices.. You can let the grief overwhelm you and give up OR you can realise that we are so lucky in so many ways and charge ahead knowing that life is going to be great. And actually, you don't have the option of giving up because we have Sophie and she still needs her mum and dad to be full of life." (or something along those lines).

And I agree with him 100%. Now, that does not mean in anyway that I am not allowed to be sad, to feel pain, to have days when things feel hopeless.. but, it means that I need to stop living in my little bubble of 'life is really cruel to me' and start appreciating what I do have. Tom's dad actually said something to me the other day that really stuck.. he said "every single day you get closer to the day that you will be pregnant".. and that's so true! I never looked at it like that before.. but today I am closer to being pregnant than yesterday and that is great.

(I think that it's been so hard for me because when I fell pregnant with Grace I had already been trying for years to fall pregnant again and had already had two miscarriages. I thought it could not get any worse.. and that was 2 years ago! The next time I fall pregnant will be my 5th pregnancy. I will have to spend the entire pregnancy on full bed rest and have a stitch put in my cervix that has a high risk of causing a miscarriage at 11 weeks. It's actually funny that I am so obsessed with falling pregnant when that is only the very first step in a very long journey!)

So anyway, I still would like to write about Grace and infertility and all those things, but I really don't want this to be a 'dead baby blog' and I just wanted you to know that.


Secondly, These tomatoes came from Tom's mum's garden yesterday, there are hundreds of them (or at least it feels that way).. Pretty awesome hey! (Tom gives me a hard time for having a blog called Grow. Cook. Sew. when we don't actually grow anything at the moment.. so this is for him). If I was allowed to use emoticons I would insert a face with a poking out tongue here.

The year that was.

Thank god the year is almost at an end! It has been the worst year of my life, I mean, how could it not be? I began the year by giving birth to a dead baby.

I am so sick of the pain that surrounds my life every single day. I would do anything in the world to have someone erase the memory of Grace from my mind. I know (hope) that one day her memory will bring me comfort that at least I got to carry her for those precious 6 months and at lease I got to hold her after she was born and tell her how much she was loved. But, at the moment (still only 11 months since her death) her memory haunts me every single day of my life.

I can't go anywhere without imaganing myself with 2 little girls. I imagine how old Grace would be and what she would be doing. At Christmas, I imagined the joy that she would have brought the whole family, some meeting Grace for the first time.
At the park, I'll see a mum with 2 little girls.. one Sophie's age and one a few months old and I think 'that should be me'. But it's not because my little baby is dead.

I get asked almost every day "Is Sophie your only child" and I hate the answer, whatever way I choose to respond (The truthful way or the socially polite way). All the mothers in my mothers group or playgroup with kids that are the same age as Sophie have all had baby number two and most have even had baby number three. It kills me. It kills me every day.

I still wonder why this had to happen to us. I sometimes imagine the alternative universe where Grace is alive and how happy I am. And then I sometimes wonder if I will ever be truly happy again. Grief is like a blanket that has been pulled over the entire world.. There are lots of wonderful things but they are all a little less bright than before.

On top of the unbearable pain of grief, the anger, frustration and sheer heartbreak that I feel after almost a year of negative pregnancy tests is really starting to get me down. I know that another baby will never replace Grace, but really, the only thing I want in the world is to have another baby. I have watched almost every single friend I have either fall pregnant or give birth this year. Of course, I am happy for them but it hurts soo much. I just think "why not me?" And I am soo sick of Tom telling me that it will be my turn soon.

I did a pregnancy test this morning. I had a really good feeling about it. I thought it would be so nice to end the year with the best news ever, but it was negative (again) and now I just want to go to bed and hope that this year ends.. quickly.

_________________________________________________

It's funny though, because it's also been a good year (if you take away the grief and frustration). Moving to Perth has been wonderful for us and I am really glad we decided to make the move. I have made soo many wonderful friends in Perth who have all put up with my whinging about not falling pregnant (even when most of them are pregnant themselves), I have loved being close to Tom's family who are all so wonderful and supportive and I really feel at home here.

Sophie has made so many lovely friends, we found an excellent montessori school where she has just thrived and she just loves being close to all her grand-parents and aunties. Tom loves his new job here and has remained the eternal optimist throughout everything.

I guess that I do still have quite a bit to be grateful for. So, after that little rant.. I hope that you all have a wonderful 2012. Thanks for all your support over the last year, especially all your kind words and encouragement. I am really, really looking forward to a new year..

Night everyone x



P.s Tea definitely tastes better in a Kate Spade tea cup

And sometimes life sucks

Last week I had an acupuncture appointment where my acupuncturist told me that it's very important to remain as calm and stress free as possible around ovulation. (Apparently they did a study and proved that the mental state of the mother can affect conception.. Hmm.)

So, the next day I went to a Christmas festival and while Sophie was playing giant chess with her friends I turned around and said something to my friend and when I looked back Sophie was gone. GONE. I spent the next 15 minutes running around like a crazy woman yelling at the top of my lungs. The police were called. I was certain she had been kidnapped and then finally the police found her. Worst 15 minutes of my life (almost).

The day after that I had a terrible car accident. I was waiting at the lights when a car ran into the back of me at 70km an hour and I then hit the car in front. I spent the whole weekend in bed with the worst back pain. I have had chiro appointments, physio appointments and remedial massage and I can now move my head. Woo hoo.

Then I saw my fertility doctor who told me that I should just sit tight for the next 2 months and we can start fertility treatment again in February (I think it's because he wants to go on Christmas holidays) and that made me unhappy.

Then I did another pregnancy test and it was negative. Again.

And then I cried.

(Random photo. At least it's strawberry season!)

News + shoes

Want to hear a funny story? The winner of my lark giveaway was a woman who lives in WA, when she gave me her address I asked her (as a joke) if she knew some friends of ours who lived in the same town. Not only did she know our friends, but we realised (after several emails) that her husband went to primary school with Tom and used to live across the road from where we live now. Tom had not spoken to him in years, but remembers spending school holidays at his parents holiday house! Seriously, how small is the world!

I have to go to the hospital every few days for blood tests at the moment as part of my fertility treatment. I look like a human pincushion.. my poor arms are full of holes!

You may have noticed my new blog design. I am so, so happy with the re-design by the very talented Mervi from 'My Best Friend Jules'. If you are thinking about a new design for your blog I can highly recommend Mervi. She was such a pleasure to deal with!

And in other news, Sophie likes to dress like me. Sometimes she even gets changed just so she can wear "the same as mummy". Its a little embarrassing. Hence the matching shoes (luckily not the same colour)!

Fun, Not so fun, Fun.

We went to a fairy birthday on the weekend. Sophie thought it was the best thing ever.

Today I had a Hysterosalpingograph. (Yep!) It is where they inject radioactive dye into your uterus to make sure your fallopian tubes are working. It hurt. ALOT.

Last night Tom and I went and saw 'Midnight in Paris'. I thought it was brilliant.

The F word.

I am so friggin sick of seeing this stupid friggin single pink line.
For F sake, what the hell is going on?!

Month after month of disappointment.
It's killing me.

All I want is to be pregnant again.
Having to deal with infertility on top of the pain of losing Grace is unbearable.

Completely unbearable.
(Insert F word here).

The journey begins..

That's right.. it says
'The Hollywood Fertility Centre guide to assisted conception'.

Deep breath.