One!

Henry turned one on Sunday. ONE! I think I can say without a doubt that was the fastest year of my life. I feel like it was just born yesterday and here we are celebrating 365 days of Henry being here in the world!

Although the year has flown, it feels like a lifetime ago that I was lying in bed praying (as much as an atheist can pray) that this little boy would be born safely. Most people can't believe that I spent most of the pregnancy lying flat on my back in bed but I think we would do it again in a heartbeat..
It was a small sacrifice to get a beautiful, healthy baby boy in the end and I try to remind myself every day how lucky we are to have him here.

Happy birthday cheeky monkey. You are one awesome little man and we love you so!

A baby boy!!!

He is finally here!
Little 'Henry Porter' was born on Saturday 8th September.
He is absoloutly adorable and we are all completely in love.

x

On the home stretch now..

I had an appointment with my obstetrician yesterday and it looks like this little baby might be arriving sooner rather than later, of course its impossible to predict these things but judging by the ultrasound I had and the contractions I have been having, it looks like things are getting ready to happen.

I will be 32 weeks tomorrow which is over the really risky stage but could still mean up to two months in neonatal care if this little man does decide to come now, so we are really hoping that he stays put for another month at least.

I have to go into hospital tomorrow to have steroid injections to help speed up his lung development. I'm a little nervous as I don't particularly like the thought of giving steroids to an unborn baby, and am a little worried about the (unknown) long term effects of un-naturally speeding up development. But like many other decisions I have made in this pregnancy, I have learnt to accept that science and medicine sometimes do have a (very valuable) place in pregnancy and childbirth. I also trust my obstetrician that this is going to give our baby the best possible chance if he does decide to come early.

In other news, Sophie has been on school holidays for the last two weeks (which may explain why this baby might come early.. it's impossible to lie in bed 24 hours a day with a 4 year old running around!)
I have had such a lovely time with her, she is really starting to turn into a proper little person. Watching her learn to read and write is so exciting and I can see her growing up more and more each day.
She is so excited about having a little brother and I know she is going to be such a great big sister.
Very exciting times ahead..

Hello stranger

I love that when I go a week or so without writing a post I get emails from total strangers asking me if everything is alright. (So sweet.. Thank you!)

Everything is going really well, as I said in my last post.. better than ever! I can't believe that we are so close to having a place to call home AND a little baby! (Although it's a little scary when these things are so, so close but you are not quite there yet).

I have been so busy all week trying to organise everything to make our dream house turn into a reality (Building inspections, wood ant inspections etc. etc.) but we are now just waiting for the bank to give us the green light and hopefully they will! (I've been preying to the mortgage gods all week!)

I also reached 30 weeks yesterday which feels like such a huge milestone.. I am finally starting to get out of bed for an hour or so each day and it feels so good to be back in the world again! I managed to get a hair cut (for the first time in almost a year) and make a very quick stop at the local fabric store last week.. both things that I have been dreaming of doing for months.

I wanted to post a photo of my belly to show you all but Tom was busy cooking dinner (and making the most delicious pears poached in red wine for desert), I didn't want to disturb him so I asked Sophie to take a photo for me..

This is what I ended up with.. Either she is a brilliant, creative photographer in the making or just can't manage to hold my phone still enough.. I'm going to go with creative genius!

27 weeks

Despite my serious face in this photo, I am feeling pretty good at the moment!
Tomorrow I will be 28 weeks which is a huge milestone for us as the whole way through this pregnancy my obstetrician has said "you just need to get to 28 weeks" and here we are! We made it!

Of course, we are aiming for a healthy full term little boy but if I did go into labour early we have a good chance of everything turning out okay now that we have got to this point.

I was also told that from this point onwards I am allowed to start getting out of bed a bit.. but when I saw my obstetrician last week he told me I should wait till 32 weeks before I start getting out of bed.. The sneaky man, I'm sure he does that on purpose! (You know.. tells patients that they can get up from 28 weeks and then when they get there he says "Oh actually I meant 32 weeks". I wonder if I will get to 32 weeks and he will say 36 weeks?!)

Anyways.. we are on the home stretch now! Feeling very excited and a little more relaxed.

twenty three weeks

Most of the time I am surprised how easy bed rest has been, as in, I am able to keep myself busy during the day and other than being very sore physically, I don't have much to complain about..
But, every so often I have a really bad day. A day when I feel like I am going out-of-my-mind-crazy and if I have to spend a second longer in this bloody bed I am going to scream.
I wonder if this is what it feels like to be in jail? I am like a prisoner of my own bed room.

Sophie is having a really hard time at the moment too. She is starting to get really frustrated that I am in bed all day. Sometimes she falls to the floor next to the bed and wails "why mummy? Can't you please just get out of bed?" and she is getting so sick of being shifted to different friends, family and babysitters every day of the week. A few days ago one of my friends actually had to pry her arms from around my neck in order to take her for a playdate. And these are friends and family that she would have jumped at the chance to go play with just a few months ago.

Obviously, poor little Sophie is in desperate need of some more mummy/ home time, and while we spend every evening together reading stories before she goes to bed it's impossible for me to look after her during the day unless there is someone else here to get her food and help her with things.

Luckily though, we are so close to getting through this!
In just 6 more weeks I'll be able to do so much more.. I'll be able to eat meals at the table with everyone else (woo hoo!), I suspect that I will be able to mind Sophie myself because I'll be able to get out of bed to make her lunch (very quickly) and my obstetrician said that even a quick trip to the local park is not out of the question (as long as Tom drives me there and I don't walk too far).
I can not wait!

And of course, I just have to keep reminding myself why I am here lying in bed all day and what I am going to get at the end.. Can you imagine the second I get to hold my healthy little (alive!) boy in my arms?

My gosh.. it's going to be absolutely incredible!




*Photo of me on my way to my obstetrician a few days ago.. it's the only time that I am allowed out of bed and I literally count down the hours days until my next appointment. It is soo good to go outside!

The benefits of bed rest..

This morning I woke up at 5am.
Luckily, Tom was already awake too and it was cold so we snuggled up under the doona and waited for the sun to slowly make its way into the room.
I must have drifted off to sleep again because the next thing I remember is Sophie jumping into bed with me, and Tom (who was already showered and ready for work) walking in with tea and eggs on toast for his "two little girls in bed". (Sophie has started to eat every meal with me in bed.. it's going to be such an effort to get her to learn to sit at the table again at the end of this, let alone get our sheets clean!)

The next hour was a rush of activity to get Sophie dressed and off to school. It usually consists of Tom rushing around making lunches and packing Sophie's school bag while saying "Thats great.. now go get mum to brush your hair" and Sophie staying as far away from my bed (and her hairbrush) as she can.

After everyone had made it off to school/ work and the house was quiet again I turned on the computer and checked my email, read some blogs and read the news.. and then I lay down and snuggled under the doona, closed my eyes, made a noise like you do when you get into bed at the end of a really long day and went back to sleep..

It was 11am.


*Photo of Sophie and me in bed a few weeks after she was born (January 2008)

22 weeks

I'm 22 weeks this week. Many of you will remember that I was 22 weeks pregnant when I went into labour with Grace in my last pregnancy. It's a very scary time but I have to keep telling myself that this pregnancy is different and I know that I can carry a baby to full term.. I have done it before!

We are right in the thick of the risky stage as babies born at 22 weeks have no chance of survival, but babies born at 28 weeks have a good chance of survival.. just 6 more weeks and we will be on the home stretch! (Not that we want a baby born at 28 weeks.. that is still very premature.. we are aiming for 37 weeks here and not any earlier!)

Everything is going really well and I am literally just counting down the days until I get to 28 weeks and we can all let out a great big sigh of relief!

The strangest thing is that because I have given birth to a 22 week old baby I know exactly what this little boy in my tummy looks like (well obviously he will have his own features) but not many pregnant women can say that they know how a baby looks at 22 weeks.. It's slightly scary and kind of comforting in a funny way.

With every single kick I get I am so grateful that I am pregnant and that this little boy is still in my tummy.
I just need him to stay there for another few months. Sometimes I find myself talking to him and saying "I can't wait to meet you" and then I quickly add "But not now.. I don't wan't to meet you now! Stay in there until full term okay and don't come out any sooner!"

Okay little man, you got that?



*Photo of a little baby blanket I have been making this week.. after 4 years of being surrounded by pink everything, it's nice to have a bit of blue!

A friend in need..

The most surprising thing about bed rest has been the people that have supported me.
So many friends say they can not believe that I am spending 6 months in bed and how amazing I am. (I don't think I am amazing.. I think anyone who has given birth to a dead baby would also do anything they can in order to prevent it from happening again without a second thought).

But I am not really the amazing one.. it's the team of people around me who have to do everything who are the amazing ones. Tom, of course has the biggest load on his shoulders.. not only has he got to do all the housework, washing, cooking, look after Sophie, get her ready and make her lunch for school every day but also make sure that I have every meal I need during the day without getting out of bed and trying to work a full time job. I am not exaggerating when I say that I have not seen him sit down in months!

Of course Tom and I knew what we were getting ourselves into and were prepared for a tough few months. But what has been surprising is the friends who have been helping me out.. Remember that I only moved to Perth last year so any friends I have here have known me for less than a year, yet they are willing to drive an hour with 3 kids in the car in order to bring me lunch, a home cooked meal so Tom does not have to cook that night and keep me company for a few hours.

The other funny thing is that some of the people (both friends and family) that I thought I would be relying on the most have not even been to visit and other people who I never thought would help (not because they did not offer but because they have young kids and work themselves) are coming over every week with a home cooked meal, magazines and yummy treats for the pregnant lady in bed!

I have been blown away by the kindness and support from those that I expected it from the least.
One of my old neighbours who I had not spoken to in 3 years send me a gift subscription to McSweeney's because she remembered that when I lived next door I used to love borrowing them off her bookshelf! The mothers at Sophie's school offered to do a roster of home cooked meals and even offered to film the mother's day afternoon tea this week so that I didn't feel left out!

I feel very lucky to have so many people thinking about me and wishing me well, not to forget all the lovely emails I get from strangers who are just letting me know that they have me in their thoughts..
So a big thank you to everyone Xx

*Photo of me and Sophie a few weeks after she was born

A bump called boy..

I can not really believe that we are having a boy, it just seemed so.. well, genetically unlikely!
And I can not really believe that I shared our news with the world. When I found out with Sophie and Grace we only told our close family and kept it a secret from everyone else until the end. I just assumed that we would do the same this time but I guess I was just too excited to keep it a secret.

It's funny because after Grace died I only wanted to have another girl. I thought that if we had a boy I would always think about how there was a 2nd little girl missing from our family, but after it took me so long to fall pregnant I stopped wanting another girl and just wanted another baby.. boy or girl I didn't care anymore.

Then a few months ago I started actually thinking that it would be so nice to have a little boy running around. Of course, we would have both been beside ourselves with happiness no matter what gender this little bub was, but we are really excited to have a little boy. I have to admit that I have already had several online shopping sprees of various blue themed goods.

My mum said she was so glad I was having a boy because now we have one of each we don't have to have any more. I said "No, I think we will still have more" and her reaction was something like "What the hell? Why on earth would you go through this again?!?" ('This' meaning the stitch and bed rest).
I guess because at the end of the day we get the best reward ever.

*Photo of me on my way back from the bathroom (as that is the only time I am allowed out of bed) looking pretty hot in my pyjamas, un-showered with hair that has just turned into a giant knot because I have not washed or even brushed it in over a week. But who cares.. look at that belly!

Jiggity jig

Sometimes when Tom is at work I send him a message in the afternoon that just says "Jiggity?" and he replies with the time that he thinks he will be home from work that day. It started because I used to write "home again, home again, Jiggity Jig?" and somehow over the years it has just become "Jiggity?"

Anyways, we are now home again (home again, jiggity jig). We had a wonderful week up at the farm.
I was happy to be lying in a different bed for a week and Tom and Sophie had a ball getting up every morning to feed the horses and pottering about the farm during the day.

(Tom has a couple of weeks off work at the moment as he has just resigned and is starting a new job at the beginning of next month. It was a very difficult decision for him to make but we are hoping that it will turn out to be the right one.)

I spend the majority of my week at the farm with a crochet hook in my hand and had finished two baby blankets by the end of the week. I have really fallen in love with crochet.. I think because I find it soo much easier than knitting and so much quicker to produce something that is finished, although finishing something quickly is not really a priority for me at the moment! I do have quite a bit of time on my hands after all!

Mummy. In bed.

Sophie drew me this picture yesterday. It's me at home in bed. Of course!

Someone asked yesterday what 'bed rest' actually means. My Obstetrician likes to call it "Full bed rest with toilet and shower privileges". It means that I have to spend every second in bed but I am allowed to get up to go to the toilet and have one short shower per day. (In hospital I was on bed rest with no toilet or shower privileges.. Oh boy, I don't want to see another bed pan as long as I live!)

When I am in bed I have to be lying down flat. For me, sitting up is just as bad as standing up.
The reason is because they think I have a condition called 'Incompetent Cervix' and they believe that it is the weight of the baby pressing down on your cervix that causes it to open prematurely. So the rationale is that if you have no weight on your cervix (by not standing or sitting up) then the cervix will stay closed until full term. That along with the cervical stitch is what will hopefully keep me pregnant for another 20 weeks or so.

I've been in bed for 34 days now. I have to admit that I am feeling much better than I was a few weeks ago. I guess I have just settled into the routine and accepted the fact that I need someone to help me do everything (bring me every meal etc.) I am enjoying the cool change here in Perth and it is nice to have the endless time to read and knit and do all those things that a busy life does not usually allow for.

I do miss going outside. Terribly. Sophie learnt to ride a bike on the weekend and she was so upset that I could not come to the park and see her ride. My body is getting sore and I feel like I could run a marathon because my legs are so restless. My muscles will deteriorate over the next few months and I have been told that even walking around the block will be a challenge for me once the baby is born (due to lost heart and lung capacity).

But, I have survived the first month and only five more to go. I know that it will be worth every second at the end and I'm trying to remind myself that one day I will be getting up all night with a newborn and  will wish that I could do nothing but lie in bed all day.. may as well enjoy it while I can!

Granny square

Well, it took me a few goes (you should have seen my first attempt.. it was hilarious, it was more like a 'granny hexagon') but I got there in the end.

Tom set up a little kettle next to the bed and the weather in Perth has finally dropped below 30 degrees, so I am enjoying lying here, drinking tea and attempting to figure out what a half-treble is.

Perfect.

The strangest thing just happened to me.
I was lying in bed (of course!) and looking up pregnancy books on my iPad (iBooks).
I came across a book called 'High risk pregnancy - Why Me?' It was written by a woman in the US who had a little boy that was stillborn at 22 weeks, and later she went on to have 2 successful full-term pregnancies.

Her book is half emotional support for people dealing with cervical stitches, best rest and the worry that comes after having a premature stillborn baby and half a medical reference guide, as she has spent the last 4 years researching everything to do with premature labour, incompetent cervix, the benefits of bed rest etc.

This is the blurb from the back of the book:

'You're tired, stressed and frustrated. Bed rest seems like a life sentence, and worry drowns out the voice of hope. However, through her own emotional story, Author Kelly Whitehead will help you understand that it's possible to manage during a high-risk pregnancy.
'High-Risk Pregnancy - Why Me?' gives you the emotional reassurance and medical guidance necessary to face - and even enjoy - a high risk pregnancy.
Designed as the comprehensive guide for possible preterm mothers, their families and doctors, 'Why Me?' lays out the relevant medical information in an easy-to-understand format because it's written for you - a mother at risk of an early delivery.'

Could there be a book that is more perfect for me? I feel like it was written for me personally!
Crazy.

If you know anyone who is going through a high risk pregnancy (or planning to) please forward this post or send them the link to the website, as I know I would be so grateful if someone had sent it to me.

Random photo of some flowers that Sophie picked for me on her way home from school one day.

The light at the end of the tunnel

I have not posted for a few days because, well, I did not really have anything nice to write.
I've been feeling a little down the last few days and struggling with bed rest. I'm so bored, I'm so lonely and my neck and back are killing from lying in bed all day, every day.

I also feel like the light at the end of the tunnel just keeps getting further away. If you have been reading my blog for a while you will know that I spent every second of last year desperately trying to fall pregnant.. It was all I wanted. But, once I finally fell pregnant I became consumed with the fear of having another miscarriage and wondering if I would get through the surgery. Then we made it through the surgery and now I just wish that I could get to 30 weeks and be over the 'risky' stage of the pregnancy and be that little bit closer to having a healthy full-term baby in my arms.

Tom thinks that we should be so happy at the moment (I have no idea how that man manages to remain  so optimistic 24 hours a day.. seriously, he does not stop for a minute) because I am pregnant (!!) and we got through the stitch. The hard part is over.. all I have to do now is rest and my Ob is pretty confident that with the stitch and bed rest we have an excellent chance of everything turning out perfectly.

I think that I may just have way to much time on my hands at the moment.. Too much time to think and too much time to worry. There are only so many hours of the day you can spend watching Offspring.

Confessions.

I am covered in crumbs. I have eaten every single meal in bed for the last two weeks, sometimes Sophie and Tom join me for a family picnic on the bed. There are crumbs. Lots of crumbs. It's crummy. (Yes, I'm that funny).

I actually count down the days till the next issue of Real Living comes out every month. And then I wait at the newsagent before they open on the day it comes out (I don't really because I have a subscription, but I could!)

I no longer shower every day. I don't remember the last time I shaved my legs or washed my hair. I feel so sorry for my poor husband, but really.. all I do is lie in bed all day. Do I really need to bother? I think not.
(Sophie asked me yesterday if she will get hairy legs when she is a big girl and I replied "yes" and she shuddered. True story.)

It's our wedding anniversary in a few weeks, I bought Tom something that I really want. (A set of these. Do not click on that link if you are my husband).

I told my friends that being on bed rest will be great for our savings because I will no longer do groceries every day, meet friends for coffee, go shopping or leave the house at all and they all laughed at me. I now know why. (Imagine if you could spend all day on Etsy!)

Sometimes I watch Gossip Girl. I'm so glad I got that off my chest.

Adjusting

A few people have asked how Sophie is adjusting to having a mummy who spends 24 hours a day in bed. It has been an adjustment but we are all doing as well as any family can I guess.

The last year or so has been difficult for Sophie. She had only just turned 3 when Grace died and could not really comprehend what had happened. For months afterwards she would ask questions like "Mummy, why did our baby die?" or worse "Mummy, when I grow up will my baby die too?" or "Mummy, why do all my friends have a little brother or sister to play with, but I don't?" For months afterwards she would draw pictures of our family with four people "mummy, daddy, me and the baby that died".

We have always tried to be as honest as we can about what happened and try to remind her that one day she will have a little brother or sister, it just takes some mums and dads longer than others. Yesterday she asked me if she will "have to lie in bed to help her baby grow" when she grows up. The poor little thing.. It is all very confusing for a 4 year old.

The funny thing is that I actually get to spend more quality time with Sophie now than I ever had before. I have nothing to do, nowhere to go and I can sit her with her for hours reading books and doing puzzles. I find it amazing how little quality time I spent with her before. We were always doing things, had somewhere to be, playdates, dinner to cook, cleaning to do, and apart from a few stories before bed I rarely sat down and just read stories, played games with her and listened to her tales about her day.

It's quite nice really.

A new rhythm

I've been in bed for 5 days now and, well, I'm going a little crazy. Tom thinks that it is difficult at the moment because it's such an adjustment from being able to walk around all day and things will get easier as I get used to my days in bed and find some sort of rhythm to my time. Tom also thinks its a fabulous opportunity.. he thinks I am lucky! He keeps telling me to think of all the things I could do if I really put my mind to it.. learn another language, study evolutionary biology, study the history of art, read all the classics, etc. etc. (These are all the things that Tom would like to do I think!)

I think the reason I am finding it hard is because I feel perfectly fine. It feels really strange to be lying in bed all day when you are perfectly healthy.. and boy, do I miss going outside! But.. It will all be worth it in the end. I daydream every day about giving birth to a healthy full-term baby.. It is going to be the best moment of my life!

I have been filling my days reading, watching movies, knitting and playing with Sophie (reading books, doing puzzles).. And quite a bit of sleeping.
It's funny, so many of my friends (especially the ones with two or more kids) said that spending time in bed, while your husband brings you food and drinks sounded like paradise. I agree with them, but I think 2 weeks in bed might be a nice relaxing break, but 6 months? That's going to be a little tricky!


P.s Does anyone know where I can buy knitting, crochet and embroidery supplies online?

Reading. Or planning to.

These are a few of the books I have lined up next to our bed. Some of them I am going to read for the second time because they were just so good. I just finished reading The Slap and I thought it was brilliant.

I am writing a (very long) list of books that I plan to read while I am on bed rest. Please let me know if you have any suggestions.. Remember that I will be spending 6 months in bed.. I need something good to read!

I took out all Tom's books from this photo, which was.. every single book that Christopher Hitchens ever wrote.. the man is obsessed.