six

Our little (big) girl turned six yesterday. I can not believe that we now have a six year old!
I've never been one to get too emotional on birthdays.. I usually don't find them any more sentimental than any other day but for some reason I felt very emotional yesterday as I watched Sophie blow out the candles on her cake.

Six is such a big age. I am constantly surprised at how independent and grown-up Sophie already is.
She is no longer a little girl. Sob.

Happy birthday Sophie!

Five!

My (not so) little girl turned 5 two days after Christmas. I can not believe that we have a FIVE year old! It seems like it was only yesterday that she was toddling around in a nappy and now she is about to start full time school!

I wish that I could rewind a few years and re-live her 3rd and 4th year all over again. I often worry that I spent that whole time so depressed after losing Grace and then so consumed with trying to fall pregnant again that I was not really the best mother during those years. I was so focused on what I had lost and what I didn't have that I forgot to enjoy the things I did have.. like my beautiful little girl.

Luckily, she has still managed to grow into a gorgeous little girl and even though she has given us a run for our money since Henry was born we still feel so lucky to have her every single day!

Happy birthday my darling girl.. I hope being five is loads of fun! Xx

Little ones..

My friend Ani took some gorgeous photos of Henry, Sophie and me a few weeks ago. They turned out beautifully don't you think?

If you are looking for an amazing photographer in Perth you can find Ani's website here.

x

8 Weeks

I can't believe that little Henry is 8 weeks old already! He is such a wonderful little baby.. so happy and sleeping so well at night. He is sleeping about 8 hours straight most nights, which is almost unbelievable to me as Sophie was still waking up two or three times a night when she was 9 months old!

Sophie is starting to settle down a bit. She is still a bit of a terror at the moment but with Henry sleeping so well I feel that I am able to cope with her behaviour a bit more (everything is so much harder when you are sleep deprived!)

We are still spending most of our days at home and trying not to venture out too far. Walking Sophie to school or visiting a friend who lives nearby is as far as I go most days. I wish that I could say that I have been busy making delicious things in the kitchen and pottering around in the garden, but the reality is that trying to have a shower, organise something for dinner and keep the house from looking like a complete mess takes up majority of my day.

(Does anyone else feel like they spend their entire life cleaning up? Sometimes I only just finish the dishes from lunch and it's time to start making dinner! Someone told me the other day that cleaning a house with kids is like trying to brush your teeth with a mouth full of Oreos! Haha.. it's so true!)

I have a new found respect for my friends that have two or more kids -it is hard, but at the same time I would not change it for the world!

6 weeks

Henry is 6 weeks old.
It feels like he has been here forever. My days of bedrest feel like a lifetime ago but at the same time the last 6 weeks have flown by.

I am not going to lie, the last months has been a little difficult at times. Not because I am finding it hard having a newborn and dealing with sleepless nights (Henry is an absolute sweetheart!), but because Sophie has turned into an absolute rat-bag!

She has become the most difficult and disobedient little thing I have ever seen! I completely understand that it is a normal reaction to having a new sibling and that it must be extra hard for a little girl who has had her parents all to herself for almost 5 years (not to mention the fact that we moved house and changed her school just 2 weeks before Henry was born so there has been alot of big changes for the poor girl).

I am embarrassed to admit that instead of being patient and understanding towards her, I have turned into one of those mums that just bark orders at their kid and I have never yelled at her so much in my whole life! I have lost my cool more times than I would like to admit. I know that what she needs is more time alone with me and a little bit of understanding, but I have found it hard to remember that when she is throwing books at my head while I am trying to feed Henry. (Not joking).

All I can say is thank god the school holidays are over!

Of course it's not all 'nightmare-child' and 'cranky-pants mum' around here.. There are plenty of lovely moments and Sophie is getting better and better everyday (adjusting to life with a little brother I guess)..
She does adore Henry and often almost suffocates him with cuddles!

Here is a photo to prove it..

Sophie and Henry!

Henry is 18 days old now.
I still can't actually believe that he is finally here!

We are doing well.. just trying to take it as easy as possible and spending our days at home pottering around. I'm quite sleep deprived and surviving on copious cups of tea during the day, but that's to be expected with a 2 week old!
Sophie has started her new school which is just down the street from our new house and I'm still mastering the art of getting out the door with two little ones. She has been 45 minutes late for school every day this week, but practice makes perfect I guess!

We still have no internet at the new house which is why I have not been posting as often as usual (well, that and the fact that I am too busy staring at Henry instead of the computer screen!) but hopefully I'll be able to post 1000 pictures of him shortly..

On the home stretch now..

I had an appointment with my obstetrician yesterday and it looks like this little baby might be arriving sooner rather than later, of course its impossible to predict these things but judging by the ultrasound I had and the contractions I have been having, it looks like things are getting ready to happen.

I will be 32 weeks tomorrow which is over the really risky stage but could still mean up to two months in neonatal care if this little man does decide to come now, so we are really hoping that he stays put for another month at least.

I have to go into hospital tomorrow to have steroid injections to help speed up his lung development. I'm a little nervous as I don't particularly like the thought of giving steroids to an unborn baby, and am a little worried about the (unknown) long term effects of un-naturally speeding up development. But like many other decisions I have made in this pregnancy, I have learnt to accept that science and medicine sometimes do have a (very valuable) place in pregnancy and childbirth. I also trust my obstetrician that this is going to give our baby the best possible chance if he does decide to come early.

In other news, Sophie has been on school holidays for the last two weeks (which may explain why this baby might come early.. it's impossible to lie in bed 24 hours a day with a 4 year old running around!)
I have had such a lovely time with her, she is really starting to turn into a proper little person. Watching her learn to read and write is so exciting and I can see her growing up more and more each day.
She is so excited about having a little brother and I know she is going to be such a great big sister.
Very exciting times ahead..

Hello stranger

I love that when I go a week or so without writing a post I get emails from total strangers asking me if everything is alright. (So sweet.. Thank you!)

Everything is going really well, as I said in my last post.. better than ever! I can't believe that we are so close to having a place to call home AND a little baby! (Although it's a little scary when these things are so, so close but you are not quite there yet).

I have been so busy all week trying to organise everything to make our dream house turn into a reality (Building inspections, wood ant inspections etc. etc.) but we are now just waiting for the bank to give us the green light and hopefully they will! (I've been preying to the mortgage gods all week!)

I also reached 30 weeks yesterday which feels like such a huge milestone.. I am finally starting to get out of bed for an hour or so each day and it feels so good to be back in the world again! I managed to get a hair cut (for the first time in almost a year) and make a very quick stop at the local fabric store last week.. both things that I have been dreaming of doing for months.

I wanted to post a photo of my belly to show you all but Tom was busy cooking dinner (and making the most delicious pears poached in red wine for desert), I didn't want to disturb him so I asked Sophie to take a photo for me..

This is what I ended up with.. Either she is a brilliant, creative photographer in the making or just can't manage to hold my phone still enough.. I'm going to go with creative genius!

On getting dressed.. Or not.

Ever since Sophie was old enough to talk (and maybe even before then) she has had very strong opinions about how she is going to dress.

The problem is that every morning has become an absolute struggle.. multiple outfit changes, tantrums, the entire contents of her wardrobe emptied across her bedroom floor and sometimes even after an hour of trying to get her dressed we are still no closer to getting her out the door.

While I am happy than my little girl has a strong sense of what she likes and does not like, I have no idea where this behaviour originated from.. I like nice clothes as much as the rest of us, but I usually throw on the first clean thing I find (which is usually jeans, a stripy top and my converse) and don't give it a second thought. I have no idea how she became so obsessed with clothes and how she looks and it does worry me a little.

A few nights ago she had a tantrum because her "pyjamas looked silly". I explained to her that it did not matter what her pyjamas looked like as she would be tucked up in her bed all night and the most important thing is that they are warm and cosy.. no-one cares what your pyjamas look like! But she was not convinced and that is what worries me.. how did this little girl learn to place so much value on how she looks? Is this something she will grow out of or is it the beginning of lifelong belief that our physical looks define our worth as a person (my gosh I hope not!)

I should add here that while we often tell Sophie that she looks lovely or how gorgeous she is (if you have a little girl it's impossible not too),  but we have always been very careful not to emphasise it too much and we are always trying to encourage self-worth based on non-physical attributes, such as "we were very proud of how well you played with your friends today at the park, Well done!" or "I really love this painting you did at school today, Can you tell me more about it?" (I'm reading a book at the moment about adding open ended questions onto the end of a statement when praising children.. but that's a post for another time).

Aside from what ever worries I have about my daughter's sense of self-worth, it's really the stress of each morning that is becoming a problem. We have tried choosing an outfit together the night before, we have tried laying out 3 possible (weather appropriate) choices and asking her to choose one, we have tried everything short of putting locks on her wardrobe!

And on the days when she manages to choose an outfit and get dressed without any complaining, you can be assured that an hour later she will be found up in her room.. getting changed again! (And again at lunch time, and again before going to the park, and again before dinner.. No wonder Tom feels like he spends his whole life doing laundry!)

twenty three weeks

Most of the time I am surprised how easy bed rest has been, as in, I am able to keep myself busy during the day and other than being very sore physically, I don't have much to complain about..
But, every so often I have a really bad day. A day when I feel like I am going out-of-my-mind-crazy and if I have to spend a second longer in this bloody bed I am going to scream.
I wonder if this is what it feels like to be in jail? I am like a prisoner of my own bed room.

Sophie is having a really hard time at the moment too. She is starting to get really frustrated that I am in bed all day. Sometimes she falls to the floor next to the bed and wails "why mummy? Can't you please just get out of bed?" and she is getting so sick of being shifted to different friends, family and babysitters every day of the week. A few days ago one of my friends actually had to pry her arms from around my neck in order to take her for a playdate. And these are friends and family that she would have jumped at the chance to go play with just a few months ago.

Obviously, poor little Sophie is in desperate need of some more mummy/ home time, and while we spend every evening together reading stories before she goes to bed it's impossible for me to look after her during the day unless there is someone else here to get her food and help her with things.

Luckily though, we are so close to getting through this!
In just 6 more weeks I'll be able to do so much more.. I'll be able to eat meals at the table with everyone else (woo hoo!), I suspect that I will be able to mind Sophie myself because I'll be able to get out of bed to make her lunch (very quickly) and my obstetrician said that even a quick trip to the local park is not out of the question (as long as Tom drives me there and I don't walk too far).
I can not wait!

And of course, I just have to keep reminding myself why I am here lying in bed all day and what I am going to get at the end.. Can you imagine the second I get to hold my healthy little (alive!) boy in my arms?

My gosh.. it's going to be absolutely incredible!




*Photo of me on my way to my obstetrician a few days ago.. it's the only time that I am allowed out of bed and I literally count down the hours days until my next appointment. It is soo good to go outside!

Play time

I forgot all about this stage.. it was not so fun at the time (who has time to give their kid three baths a day?) but it is fun to look at photos years later..

So what does mummy do for fun?

Sophie just came home from kindy with my mother's day treats..
I got a lovely tea towel that had drawings by all the kids printed on it, a laminated drawing that I can use as a placemat if the urge strikes, a delicious chocolate shortbread cookie (I know it was delicious because I ate it already), a vase with flowers made from an old glass bottle, a bracelet painted by Sophie and a very funny note..




I was in hysterics reading it. I love that Sophie thinks I am 13 or 15.
Sophie's school had a special mother's day afternoon tea and concert and she was so upset that I could not go, but I sent Tom's mum along instead so at least she had someone there..

I hope you have a lovely mother's day planned (or being planned for you)..
I am pretty sure I will get breakfast in bed this year (as I have had every day for the last 3 months!)

A friend in need..

The most surprising thing about bed rest has been the people that have supported me.
So many friends say they can not believe that I am spending 6 months in bed and how amazing I am. (I don't think I am amazing.. I think anyone who has given birth to a dead baby would also do anything they can in order to prevent it from happening again without a second thought).

But I am not really the amazing one.. it's the team of people around me who have to do everything who are the amazing ones. Tom, of course has the biggest load on his shoulders.. not only has he got to do all the housework, washing, cooking, look after Sophie, get her ready and make her lunch for school every day but also make sure that I have every meal I need during the day without getting out of bed and trying to work a full time job. I am not exaggerating when I say that I have not seen him sit down in months!

Of course Tom and I knew what we were getting ourselves into and were prepared for a tough few months. But what has been surprising is the friends who have been helping me out.. Remember that I only moved to Perth last year so any friends I have here have known me for less than a year, yet they are willing to drive an hour with 3 kids in the car in order to bring me lunch, a home cooked meal so Tom does not have to cook that night and keep me company for a few hours.

The other funny thing is that some of the people (both friends and family) that I thought I would be relying on the most have not even been to visit and other people who I never thought would help (not because they did not offer but because they have young kids and work themselves) are coming over every week with a home cooked meal, magazines and yummy treats for the pregnant lady in bed!

I have been blown away by the kindness and support from those that I expected it from the least.
One of my old neighbours who I had not spoken to in 3 years send me a gift subscription to McSweeney's because she remembered that when I lived next door I used to love borrowing them off her bookshelf! The mothers at Sophie's school offered to do a roster of home cooked meals and even offered to film the mother's day afternoon tea this week so that I didn't feel left out!

I feel very lucky to have so many people thinking about me and wishing me well, not to forget all the lovely emails I get from strangers who are just letting me know that they have me in their thoughts..
So a big thank you to everyone Xx

*Photo of me and Sophie a few weeks after she was born

Two

I love looking back at old pictures of Sophie. I really can't believe that I have a primary school kid already!
She just grew up so fast!

Slow down little one!

Mummy. In bed.

Sophie drew me this picture yesterday. It's me at home in bed. Of course!

Someone asked yesterday what 'bed rest' actually means. My Obstetrician likes to call it "Full bed rest with toilet and shower privileges". It means that I have to spend every second in bed but I am allowed to get up to go to the toilet and have one short shower per day. (In hospital I was on bed rest with no toilet or shower privileges.. Oh boy, I don't want to see another bed pan as long as I live!)

When I am in bed I have to be lying down flat. For me, sitting up is just as bad as standing up.
The reason is because they think I have a condition called 'Incompetent Cervix' and they believe that it is the weight of the baby pressing down on your cervix that causes it to open prematurely. So the rationale is that if you have no weight on your cervix (by not standing or sitting up) then the cervix will stay closed until full term. That along with the cervical stitch is what will hopefully keep me pregnant for another 20 weeks or so.

I've been in bed for 34 days now. I have to admit that I am feeling much better than I was a few weeks ago. I guess I have just settled into the routine and accepted the fact that I need someone to help me do everything (bring me every meal etc.) I am enjoying the cool change here in Perth and it is nice to have the endless time to read and knit and do all those things that a busy life does not usually allow for.

I do miss going outside. Terribly. Sophie learnt to ride a bike on the weekend and she was so upset that I could not come to the park and see her ride. My body is getting sore and I feel like I could run a marathon because my legs are so restless. My muscles will deteriorate over the next few months and I have been told that even walking around the block will be a challenge for me once the baby is born (due to lost heart and lung capacity).

But, I have survived the first month and only five more to go. I know that it will be worth every second at the end and I'm trying to remind myself that one day I will be getting up all night with a newborn and  will wish that I could do nothing but lie in bed all day.. may as well enjoy it while I can!

A little dance

This is what Sophie does when I ask her to jump in the car..

Adjusting

A few people have asked how Sophie is adjusting to having a mummy who spends 24 hours a day in bed. It has been an adjustment but we are all doing as well as any family can I guess.

The last year or so has been difficult for Sophie. She had only just turned 3 when Grace died and could not really comprehend what had happened. For months afterwards she would ask questions like "Mummy, why did our baby die?" or worse "Mummy, when I grow up will my baby die too?" or "Mummy, why do all my friends have a little brother or sister to play with, but I don't?" For months afterwards she would draw pictures of our family with four people "mummy, daddy, me and the baby that died".

We have always tried to be as honest as we can about what happened and try to remind her that one day she will have a little brother or sister, it just takes some mums and dads longer than others. Yesterday she asked me if she will "have to lie in bed to help her baby grow" when she grows up. The poor little thing.. It is all very confusing for a 4 year old.

The funny thing is that I actually get to spend more quality time with Sophie now than I ever had before. I have nothing to do, nowhere to go and I can sit her with her for hours reading books and doing puzzles. I find it amazing how little quality time I spent with her before. We were always doing things, had somewhere to be, playdates, dinner to cook, cleaning to do, and apart from a few stories before bed I rarely sat down and just read stories, played games with her and listened to her tales about her day.

It's quite nice really.

Soh. Pie.

Sometimes Sophie writes her name as Sohpie.. I think it's so cute I can't stand to correct her.
Sophie is starting primary school in a few weeks, I cant believe that she is off to school already.. It's so sad!
Kids in WA start school a year earlier than they do in Sydney so I was not prepared for her to start this year (at 4 years old!)

Although.. this might be a good thing as fingers crossed I will be on bed-rest for a large part of 2012!

A rose by any other name

I have been thinking about changing the name of my blog. I sometimes think it is silly to have a blog called Grow. Cook. Sew. when I don't really have enough time to do any of the above. And one day soon (fingers crossed) I will be on full time bed rest and won't be able to do anything but stare at the ceiling! What do you think? (Maybe 'days of boredom' is appropriate?!)

Also, I have been doing fat mum slim's 'January photo a day challenge'. You can follow me on Instagram @katie_porter (Oh, how I love instagram!) and on twitter by the same name.
Please follow me, I am so sick of writing tweets that no one (except my husband) read.

In other news, Sophie let me do her hair.. like actually brush it and everything. Milestones people, milestones!

The year that was.

Thank god the year is almost at an end! It has been the worst year of my life, I mean, how could it not be? I began the year by giving birth to a dead baby.

I am so sick of the pain that surrounds my life every single day. I would do anything in the world to have someone erase the memory of Grace from my mind. I know (hope) that one day her memory will bring me comfort that at least I got to carry her for those precious 6 months and at lease I got to hold her after she was born and tell her how much she was loved. But, at the moment (still only 11 months since her death) her memory haunts me every single day of my life.

I can't go anywhere without imaganing myself with 2 little girls. I imagine how old Grace would be and what she would be doing. At Christmas, I imagined the joy that she would have brought the whole family, some meeting Grace for the first time.
At the park, I'll see a mum with 2 little girls.. one Sophie's age and one a few months old and I think 'that should be me'. But it's not because my little baby is dead.

I get asked almost every day "Is Sophie your only child" and I hate the answer, whatever way I choose to respond (The truthful way or the socially polite way). All the mothers in my mothers group or playgroup with kids that are the same age as Sophie have all had baby number two and most have even had baby number three. It kills me. It kills me every day.

I still wonder why this had to happen to us. I sometimes imagine the alternative universe where Grace is alive and how happy I am. And then I sometimes wonder if I will ever be truly happy again. Grief is like a blanket that has been pulled over the entire world.. There are lots of wonderful things but they are all a little less bright than before.

On top of the unbearable pain of grief, the anger, frustration and sheer heartbreak that I feel after almost a year of negative pregnancy tests is really starting to get me down. I know that another baby will never replace Grace, but really, the only thing I want in the world is to have another baby. I have watched almost every single friend I have either fall pregnant or give birth this year. Of course, I am happy for them but it hurts soo much. I just think "why not me?" And I am soo sick of Tom telling me that it will be my turn soon.

I did a pregnancy test this morning. I had a really good feeling about it. I thought it would be so nice to end the year with the best news ever, but it was negative (again) and now I just want to go to bed and hope that this year ends.. quickly.

_________________________________________________

It's funny though, because it's also been a good year (if you take away the grief and frustration). Moving to Perth has been wonderful for us and I am really glad we decided to make the move. I have made soo many wonderful friends in Perth who have all put up with my whinging about not falling pregnant (even when most of them are pregnant themselves), I have loved being close to Tom's family who are all so wonderful and supportive and I really feel at home here.

Sophie has made so many lovely friends, we found an excellent montessori school where she has just thrived and she just loves being close to all her grand-parents and aunties. Tom loves his new job here and has remained the eternal optimist throughout everything.

I guess that I do still have quite a bit to be grateful for. So, after that little rant.. I hope that you all have a wonderful 2012. Thanks for all your support over the last year, especially all your kind words and encouragement. I am really, really looking forward to a new year..

Night everyone x



P.s Tea definitely tastes better in a Kate Spade tea cup