31 December 2011

The year that was.

Tea tastes better in Kate Spade

Thank god the year is almost at an end! It has been the worst year of my life, I mean, how could it not be? I began the year by giving birth to a dead baby.

I am so sick of the pain that surrounds my life every single day. I would do anything in the world to have someone erase the memory of Grace from my mind. I know (hope) that one day her memory will bring me comfort that at least I got to carry her for those precious 6 months and at lease I got to hold her after she was born and tell her how much she was loved. But, at the moment (still only 11 months since her death) her memory haunts me every single day of my life.

I can't go anywhere without imaganing myself with 2 little girls. I imagine how old Grace would be and what she would be doing. At Christmas, I imagined the joy that she would have brought the whole family, some meeting Grace for the first time.
At the park, I'll see a mum with 2 little girls.. one Sophie's age and one a few months old and I think 'that should be me'. But it's not because my little baby is dead.

I get asked almost every day "Is Sophie your only child" and I hate the answer, whatever way I choose to respond (The truthful way or the socially polite way). All the mothers in my mothers group or playgroup with kids that are the same age as Sophie have all had baby number two and most have even had baby number three. It kills me. It kills me every day.

I still wonder why this had to happen to us. I sometimes imagine the alternative universe where Grace is alive and how happy I am. And then I sometimes wonder if I will ever be truly happy again. Grief is like a blanket that has been pulled over the entire world.. There are lots of wonderful things but they are all a little less bright than before.

On top of the unbearable pain of grief, the anger, frustration and sheer heartbreak that I feel after almost a year of negative pregnancy tests is really starting to get me down. I know that another baby will never replace Grace, but really, the only thing I want in the world is to have another baby. I have watched almost every single friend I have either fall pregnant or give birth this year. Of course, I am happy for them but it hurts soo much. I just think "why not me?" And I am soo sick of Tom telling me that it will be my turn soon.

I did a pregnancy test this morning. I had a really good feeling about it. I thought it would be so nice to end the year with the best news ever, but it was negative (again) and now I just want to go to bed and hope that this year ends.. quickly.

_________________________________________________

It's funny though, because it's also been a good year (if you take away the grief and frustration). Moving to Perth has been wonderful for us and I am really glad we decided to make the move. I have made soo many wonderful friends in Perth who have all put up with my whinging about not falling pregnant (even when most of them are pregnant themselves), I have loved being close to Tom's family who are all so wonderful and supportive and I really feel at home here.

Sophie has made so many lovely friends, we found an excellent montessori school where she has just thrived and she just loves being close to all her grand-parents and aunties. Tom loves his new job here and has remained the eternal optimist throughout everything.

I guess that I do still have quite a bit to be grateful for. So, after that little rant.. I hope that you all have a wonderful 2012. Thanks for all your support over the last year, especially all your kind words and encouragement. I am really, really looking forward to a new year..

Night everyone x



P.s Tea definitely tastes better in a Kate Spade tea cup

15 comments:

Susan said...

oh I love your kate spade tea cup! I really hope 2012 is a great year for you - you so deserve it after all the sadness of 2011.

Lexi:: PottyMouthMama said...

Firstly - I really love your tea cup. I imagine you could really relish a cup of tea in that divine tea cup.

And most importantly, I hope 2012 is a real cracker for you. That is brings you beautiful surprises, much love and peace.

I know it's different, but ever since my miscarriage, I think of my wee babe, and imagine how old he/she would be. It is a unique pain. So many dreams that have been rubbed out. I imagine it is far more painful for you.

Sending you lots and lots of love,
Lexi xxx

potts.family said...

My thoughts are always with you. I truly hope that 2012 is your year. May all your dreams come true.
There is nothing else I can say to ease your pain but know there are people who hold you in their prayers.

Tammi said...

I am only new to your blog but have been playing catchup, it's a rather delightful space :)
I am really sorry to hear of all your heartache and I hope the New Hear brings much joy into your life.

xx

Miss Maya said...

Fingers crossed that 2012 brings you all the happiness you deserve.

Jacinta @ modelmumma said...

Best wishes for 2012 Katie! :)

joanna said...

I can only begin to imagine some of the heartbreak you must feel....and no words will ever really help. Just wishing that 2012 will be kind to you and bring you that much, much wanted baby xxx

one yellow jumpsuit. said...

I'm so sorry it's been such a tough year. I agree with Joanna and understand that no words can actually help. I hope 2012 will be be an amazing year for you and your beautiful family. Love Hannah xx

knitgirl66 said...

Hi Kate, I have only discovered your blog in the last week (via tea with lucy blog). I sincerely hope that 2012 is kind to you and your family. I cannot begin to imagine the pain and loss that you have endured with the loss of beautiful baby Grace - it is ok to feel the way you do.
Sending you a hug and some strength for those tough moments.
Maureen

Helen said...

hoping 2012 is your year! :)

Anonymous said...

Kate, I only discovered your blog in e past few weeks but I wanted to drop you a note to say that I hope 2012 is a better year for me. I found out at a scan in December that my much wanted IVF baby no longer had a heartbeat. Tis has been the worst Christmas ever because it was the Christmas we were supposed to tell everyone we were finally going to have our family. I hope 2012 brings peace for both of us.

small catalogue said...

You so clearly see all the joy around you, it is absolutely understandable that a Grace sized hole also fill part of your heart and days. That you can also feel the love is inspiration. May 2012 bring you all that you wish.

Anonymous said...

:( sad for you. But hoping that 2012 will be better.

little love said...

I've just come across your blog today & I'm so very glad I found it. I'm so sorry for your loss & can relate to your pain. I had a miscarriage(& I feelike I should say, 'only a miscarriage' because compared to what you have been through it feels like I should, but a loss is a loss) 6 months ago & when you want a baby more than anything nothing can be more torturous. I really do hope that 2012 is a much better year for you. I look forward to the time when I get to read your post about you delivering a beautiful healthy little baby :)

Amanda said...

What a terrible year it has been for you. 2012 can only be better I'm sure. While I haven't lost a child, I have lost a loved one and I know that every single day, I think about him and imagine how life would be with him still around.

As for falling pregnant, I remember how hard the years of trying were, of all the negative pregnancy tests, of feeling like 'this month is the one' only to end up getting my period. And it felt so cruel that while we were trying for so long, other friends and family members appeared to fall pregnant at the drop of a hat, some when they weren't even trying or planning a family.

Put 2011 behind you, without forgetting of course, but with the mindset that this year will be 'your year' xx

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