31 December 2011
The year that was.
Thank god the year is almost at an end! It has been the worst year of my life, I mean, how could it not be? I began the year by giving birth to a dead baby.
I am so sick of the pain that surrounds my life every single day. I would do anything in the world to have someone erase the memory of Grace from my mind. I know (hope) that one day her memory will bring me comfort that at least I got to carry her for those precious 6 months and at lease I got to hold her after she was born and tell her how much she was loved. But, at the moment (still only 11 months since her death) her memory haunts me every single day of my life.
I can't go anywhere without imaganing myself with 2 little girls. I imagine how old Grace would be and what she would be doing. At Christmas, I imagined the joy that she would have brought the whole family, some meeting Grace for the first time.
At the park, I'll see a mum with 2 little girls.. one Sophie's age and one a few months old and I think 'that should be me'. But it's not because my little baby is dead.
I get asked almost every day "Is Sophie your only child" and I hate the answer, whatever way I choose to respond (The truthful way or the socially polite way). All the mothers in my mothers group or playgroup with kids that are the same age as Sophie have all had baby number two and most have even had baby number three. It kills me. It kills me every day.
I still wonder why this had to happen to us. I sometimes imagine the alternative universe where Grace is alive and how happy I am. And then I sometimes wonder if I will ever be truly happy again. Grief is like a blanket that has been pulled over the entire world.. There are lots of wonderful things but they are all a little less bright than before.
On top of the unbearable pain of grief, the anger, frustration and sheer heartbreak that I feel after almost a year of negative pregnancy tests is really starting to get me down. I know that another baby will never replace Grace, but really, the only thing I want in the world is to have another baby. I have watched almost every single friend I have either fall pregnant or give birth this year. Of course, I am happy for them but it hurts soo much. I just think "why not me?" And I am soo sick of Tom telling me that it will be my turn soon.
I did a pregnancy test this morning. I had a really good feeling about it. I thought it would be so nice to end the year with the best news ever, but it was negative (again) and now I just want to go to bed and hope that this year ends.. quickly.
It's funny though, because it's also been a good year (if you take away the grief and frustration). Moving to Perth has been wonderful for us and I am really glad we decided to make the move. I have made soo many wonderful friends in Perth who have all put up with my whinging about not falling pregnant (even when most of them are pregnant themselves), I have loved being close to Tom's family who are all so wonderful and supportive and I really feel at home here.
Sophie has made so many lovely friends, we found an excellent montessori school where she has just thrived and she just loves being close to all her grand-parents and aunties. Tom loves his new job here and has remained the eternal optimist throughout everything.
I guess that I do still have quite a bit to be grateful for. So, after that little rant.. I hope that you all have a wonderful 2012. Thanks for all your support over the last year, especially all your kind words and encouragement. I am really, really looking forward to a new year..
Night everyone x
P.s Tea definitely tastes better in a Kate Spade tea cup