I have been thinking a lot about pregnancy lately (fancy that?) I have been thinking about how incredibly different it was being pregnant with Sophie. A pregnancy free from worry, a pregnancy that was full of joy and wonder.. and no stress.
I fell pregnant with Sophie a few
I was super healthy (other than the strange cheeseburger cravings at 2am), I went to pre-natal yoga twice a week, I walked down to Bondi Beach and went swimming almost every day during summer, I drank fresh juice every morning, I crapped on about how my kids will never have plastic toys or watch tv (so, so ignorant) and I don't think I saw a single doctor during the entire pregnancy.
I gave birth at the local birth centre with a midwife and after a natural 4 hour labour (I mean 4 hours from being fast asleep thinking I had 10 days or so left.. to holding a little baby in my arms. It was so quick!) I went home the same day.
Tom and I thought that this whole baby making thing was pretty damn easy.
And then life had other plans.
The last 3 years or so have been filled with loss and longing. I have spent every single day during that time desperately trying to fall pregnant or desperately trying to stay pregnant. There has not been a single day when I have had relief from those thoughts.
So now I am pregnant for the 5th time. I have seen more doctors than I can count, I have been hospitalised, went through surgery, had more hormones/ pain killers/ antibiotics etc. pumped into my body than I have had in my whole life, had more blood tests, ultrasounds (10 at last count), tests, tubes, monitors.. you name it.
But, the biggest difference? The fear. The fear that haunts you every day. The worry. The Anxiety. The what ifs? The unknown.
The hope. The hope that things will work out this time.
/Photo of me 35 weeks pregnant with Sophie/