23 March 2012

Now and then

Bondi / Dec 2007 / 36 weeks

I have been thinking a lot about pregnancy lately (fancy that?) I have been thinking about how incredibly different it was being pregnant with Sophie. A pregnancy free from worry, a pregnancy that was full of joy and wonder.. and no stress.

I fell pregnant with Sophie a few weeks months after I met Tom. It was a very big surprise (as you can imagine, but one that just felt right). I had the easiest pregnancy (other than a bit of morning sickness in the first few months) and spent the entire pregnancy dreaming about the little baby I would meet at the end. Because being pregnant means that you get a baby at the end, of course.

I was super healthy (other than the strange cheeseburger cravings at 2am), I went to pre-natal yoga twice a week, I walked down to Bondi Beach and went swimming almost every day during summer, I drank fresh juice every morning, I crapped on about how my kids will never have plastic toys or watch tv (so, so ignorant) and I don't think I saw a single doctor during the entire pregnancy.

I gave birth at the local birth centre with a midwife and after a natural 4 hour labour (I mean 4 hours from being fast asleep thinking I had 10 days or so left.. to holding a little baby in my arms. It was so quick!) I went home the same day.

Tom and I thought that this whole baby making thing was pretty damn easy.

And then life had other plans.

The last 3 years or so have been filled with loss and longing. I have spent every single day during that time desperately trying to fall pregnant or desperately trying to stay pregnant. There has not been a single day when I have had relief from those thoughts.

So now I am pregnant for the 5th time. I have seen more doctors than I can count, I have been hospitalised, went through surgery, had more hormones/ pain killers/ antibiotics etc. pumped into my body than I have had in my whole life, had more blood tests, ultrasounds (10 at last count), tests, tubes, monitors.. you name it.

But, the biggest difference? The fear. The fear that haunts you every day. The worry. The Anxiety. The what ifs? The unknown.

The hope. The hope that things will work out this time.

/Photo of me 35 weeks pregnant with Sophie/


Victoria said...

I have that fear, I have never lost a baby but I can tell how much it hurts, I have that fear When I first got pregnant the 2nd time I had more panic in my system than excitement, at the check ups I close my eyes & put a brave face for if they gave us any sad news.
I am now 35wks & the fear is still here, it doesn't help that I just started having high blood pressure or that I got Strep B.

I think we all fear, with the first not so much because you have no idea what is really going on but the next few times around your head now understands more than you want it too.

Good Luck, x V

Anonymous said...

That fear is hard to cope with at times isn't it? I have not lost a child but have had two threatened miscarriages and other pregnancy related issues that caused that fear to linger in the depths of my mind. Every day since Aug 3rd last year when our FS said he wasn't prepared for us to do an FET until I had my bp under control I have lived in fear, fear of him cancelling our cycle altogether, fear of never having another. But one look at our children makes the fear vanish though I know 'when' I get pregnant again, I too will be a fear-crazed mama.
Take care Katie :)

potts.family said...

Too much time can be dangerous. My thoughts are with you. Are you able to sit in a recliner etc outside in the fresh air? A slight change of scenery may help. Other than that knitting, crochet or cross stitch, I find all these tasks to be soo time consuming.
Please take care and feel free to blog your thoughts as you wish. A problem shared is a problem solved.

Tilia said...

I can only imagine the fear you're going through, and I really hope you can feel also that many of us (and someone like me, from the other side of the world) are hoping with you. Take care of you and smile; I smile everytime I read that you're fine : )

Laura said...

My prayers are with you and Tom in this difficult time. Try to keep positive! It makes me so happy when you post happy things. Take care... you are in everyone's thoughts.

Coal Valley View said...

Hi there, I'm new to your lovely Blog. What a tough road you are on right now. I can't imagine. You have every reason to have that fear given your situation. I became quite anxious during my third pregnancy which were twins primarily due to the horror stories people were telling me about situations they had heard or knew about (why do people do that?). I mentioned this to my obstetrician and he said I should be "quietly confident". That sat really well with me and is the stance I take with a lot of things in life now. Not overly optimistic or loudly positive. Just quietly confident. It takes a lot of the fear away. Maybe it can help you too. Sending you happy Hobart thoughts xx

Christie - Childhood 101 said...

I can't tell you how I wish the fear would go away, for you and for me xx

Nikki Fisher said...

I have just discovered your blog and your story touched my heart, it is your story and also the story of women the world over. Our first pregnancy is summed up by 'naivety is bliss' then as we and our friends progress, or not, with further pregnancies the unknown is stripped away as we learn how very delicate and at times difficult it is to bring new life into the world! You are not alone in your fear, I miscarried in my second pregnancy at 15 weeks and then when I became pregnant for the third time I bled at 7 weeks and thought 'oh no not again'. My second son is on my lap as I type this. Keep breathing through your fears, surround yourself in beauty and gentleness and all that makes your heart sing xx

tjremp said...

oh my goodness, this is such a heartfelt, honest and emotional post and i am in tears after having read it. your first pregnancy sounds like mine, and now here i am ready for round 2 and terrified that things will be different, harder, or impossible. thanks for sharing with us and taking us on this emotional journey. good or bad, pregnancy is a journey that is always a little easier when you have company along with you. thank you and good good luck.

Anonymous said...

My boy was born at 38 weeks last March and at first everything looked perfect, but a few hours later they took him away for monitoring because they assumed low blood sugar levels which turned into lack of oxygen in his blood, to breathing problems... They took him to the Royal Childrens' where he was diagnosed with 'catastrophic global brain infarct'. It was a stroke in utero that happened at around 36 weeks. There was no hope. He died three and a half days later in my arms.
So I am where you are right now. Pregnant again (14 weeks) with a broken heart and a clear idea of what the pain of losing a child feels like, hoping and even praying that I don't ever have to go back there again. Because it is hell.
But the way I see it - we never know how long we have with anyone in our lives. So if I only get a few months with this child, I will love it and enjoy it every second of the day, even though my first impulse most days is to stay as detached as possible. I will be happy every day and I will plan the future with this child because, if the worst is to happen again, it will make no difference how I spent these few months, whether I expected the worst or best outcome possible. The pain will hit me no matter what. Also, if I was to start thinking about everything that can go wrong I will lose my mind and have to be committed to a psychiatric hospital. And that will benefit nobody.
It sounds like you are in great hands, regarding the doctors, as well your family. There are a lot of us out there in the same situation keeping our fingers crossed for each other. Try to stay positive.
For what it's worth, I work with a great woman who lost her 1st baby the same way at 22 weeks. She went ahead to have three more with the help of the magic stich.
Good luck darling,

meg said...

I understand that absolute yearning to want to carry a baby but you are so lucky to have been able to carry a healthy baby girl previously. My experience of maternity health is the more stress you are under, the less likely anything is going to happen. Live this life in the present. Care for the daughter you have and the rest will fall into place.

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