19 June 2012

Expectations -the age gap

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I can remember when I fell pregnant with Grace in 2010 (and had already had two miscarriages and taken longer to fall pregnant than expected) I would complain to friends about how the age gap between Sophie and baby number 2 would be so big (it would have been three and a half years if Grace had survived).
It seems ridiculous to me now that I used to complain about the age gap back then -as the age gap between our kids will now be almost 5 years.

It's taken me a long time to come to terms with what the age gap will be between our kids, and it's not because I believe there is a 'right' age gap at all, I can see the benefits of having kids close together and far apart. The thing that has bothered me so much is that I had expected to have kids close together and the hard thing has been learning to adjust to the way that life turned out rather than how I expected it to be.

We started trying for another baby when Sophie was a 1 year old and sometimes I can't believe that here we are, all these years later still waiting for another (living) baby to arrive. It was so hard for me to watch everyone else go on to have baby number two and even baby number three while I was still desperately trying to fall pregnant or stay pregnant. I felt sorry for Sophie because she wanted a little brother or sister so badly and although I knew I was lucky to have her, I really felt like I was being left behind. Especially after I fell pregnant so easily with Sophie, it was such a shock when it became so, so difficult the second time around.

I know that there will be so many benefits to having such a big gap between kids.. Sophie will be able to help with so many things and because she will be at school full time next year I will have so much one-on-one time with the little man.  I know that it will be great and I am not worried about the age gap anymore, but before I fell pregnant it was crazy how it use to eat me up inside. I sometimes laugh when people tell me how many kids they are going to have or what age-gap they plan on having because I have learnt that sometimes we just have no control over these things at all.

I guess at the end of the day you love the kids you end up with so much that you can't imagine life any other way.



*Photo of Sophie - who has had enough of photos!

16 comments:

Erika said...

This post brought happy tears to my eyes and shed light to certain things that have been occupying my thoughts...Thank you!

ps. I've always dreamed of naming my daughter Sophie. Hope that I may do this one day, soon...

x,
Erika

http://jasminblancboutique.blogspot.co.uk/
http://www.etsy.com/shop/JasminBlancBoutique

Bohemian Beautiful said...

I'm glad you are not worrying about it anymore. My brother was born when I was five years old and we have a great relationship/friendship. He might have driven me a bit crazy when he was 4-12 years old haha but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I had been so excited to have a baby brother/sister for so long, but the age gap didnt even occur to me, and I'm sure it won't have for Sophie! She will just be too excited about having a baby brother to play with!!

We played together heaps as kids, and the age gap never bothered us at all :) so excited for your new little arrival to get here safe and sound! xo

Accidental Lentil... said...

my mum and her only sister are 7 years apart... my mum suspects her mum must have had a miscarriage as well. Some of the mums in my mum's group are on the way to having number two so the 'perfect age gap' chat is happening a lot around these parts. I have always felt that it is out of our control in many ways and i often think of you as a reminder of that. As you say, whatever your family ends up like, it will be what it is and will be perfect.

little miss olive said...

my brother and sister in law are expecting their second baby in september, and just before that their first son turns eight!

i keep thinking that at least for them callum will be able to help out -- there were so many times i thought i wished i had someone close by just to 'get this' or 'grab that' or push the pram or watch the baby for a minute. :)

Amy Montgomery said...

I couldn't agree more.. adjusting life expectations when things go a little (or alot) differently to planned is seriously hard!

Ayuni said...

Hello Katie. I just found your blog, and just wanted to let you know that I think you are one of the admirable moms that I have read about so far :)

I wish you all the best with the rest of your pregnancy, and take good care!

And I have to agree with you about this post,after having a child of my own, I can't imagine how my life is without my little daughter.

Amanda said...

You are so right Katie - often our expectations don't line up with things that are inevitably out of our hands. I found it so hard having trouble falling pregnant while other friends (some who weren't even trying) fell pregnant at the drop of a hat. I'd had a plan in my head for the next stage of our life and when things weren't following that I found it difficult.

I'm positive Sophie will love having a sibling despite the age difference and she'll be such a great help to you too.

Margot said...

My age gap ended up being 4 years & I was worried it was getting too big too. Now that my baby is here & I see the 2 of them together: she stroking his head carefully & exclaiming how cute he is; he positively glowing with excitement to watch everything she does - I realise there is no requirement for children to be close in age in order to have a special relationship. Every relationship is unique.

My daughter has that same Seed dress. I love it.

Belinda said...

My oldest sister is 14 years older than me! My friends were always amazed at that, but to me it was and still is completely normal!

Tammi said...

Prior to motherhood I had it all planned out in my head too, 6 children all two years apart. It didn't happen that way and there were many years where every month was a let down in the most devastating way. I worried when we were expecting our youngest that the age gap between him and our oldest (17yr gap) would be too vast but watching them together and seeing the bond they have forged has been so precious. I don't think it matters how many years there are between siblings, the love is there no matter what and that is what counts.

x

Cate said...

I too had a plan that PND/A and severe reflux prevented my fulfilling. Before my son turned 2 there was no way I could have contemplated another - it made me physically ill! I am now pregnant with number two and he will be just shy of 3. My post partum period didn't run to my plan but it has shaped who we both are. All the best xx

Bianca (ivylovesjack) said...

Thanks for this post, the comments were great for me to read too. When I lost my second pregnancy, I was all-consumed about the age gap, I was worried about a 3yr gap and the prospect of a 4yr gap was too much at the time. I've now had two miscarriages since that molar pregnancy and although it still worries me, I have come to love the thought of all the amazing things that a bigger age gap will bring too.

loveyouseeyou said...

I too have learnt that we really don't have control over these things, and although not an overly religious person so to speak, I think the best term for it all is "God's will". I too wanted lots of children and thought I'd have them young, but after over 3 years of trying for a baby and 2 miscarriages, we have learnt to accept that what will be, will be. I have faith that my turn will come and that when we do have our babies, it will be just right... and just how it is supposed to be... for us!

Victoria said...

For us 2nd time pregnancy took a long time, many tears & tantrums from me because I wanted to have a baby in 2009 but things didn't turn out that way (body pcos wise).
But now we have the same age gap as you, it has its ups & then it has it downs, for me its the no naps at the moment & sometimes the talking back, but I am so very greatfull that we finally where able to give our daughter a little sister, which she longed & asked for so much previously, I think this age group is great not much jealousy & they tend to understand why we our busy (when breastfeeding, changing nappies) & they don't need that constant supervision as they like to do there own things alone. Enjoy it. xx

one claire day said...

There are seven years between my younger sister and I - seems a long distance in time... but our hearts could not be closer. I love our gap. I love being her 'big' sister. I wouldn't change it for the world. x

Erin said...

Thank you for this post, sometimes it amazes me how we stumble upon things when we really need them. I am trying to move on from losing my last pregnancy in February which was so anticipated, especially from my daughter who is almost 6. I'm not so worried about the gap anymore, but whether I can be brave enough to try again. You have reminded me that sometimes we can't control life and just to do the best we can and go on. All the best, I'm so glad I found your lovely blog.

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