So attractive (and so organised).

This is actually what most of the photos of me taken at our wedding look like. I almost decided never to laugh again after I saw the 328th photo of me pulling this face at various times throughout the day and night. (What am I doing? Is that really how I laugh?)

I thought I better tell you a bit more about our wedding, you see, from the pictures here you may be fooled into thinking that the whole thing was quite organised and traditional but it was more like this..

I woke up on the morning of our wedding and went to my usual Saturday morning yoga class. When the class was finished the teacher asked if any one had plans for the beautiful day ahead and I laughed and said "Yes, I'm getting married in a few hours!".

I walked home past the local florist and asked if they could make me a bouquet (yes, a few hours before the wedding.. they loved me I'm sure). I went home and got ready with all Tom's sisters, his mum, step-mum, my mum and my best friend. There were so many people getting ready in our tiny apartment that I only managed to get into the shower about 5 minutes before I was supposed to get married.. seriously!

We got married at Vaucluse House which is a beautiful old heritage building with beautiful gardens in Sydney.. luckily, it was only about 5 minutes drive from where we lived at the time. I got dressed and did my hair and make-up in about 10 minutes and was off.

I sometimes look back and wish that I had been a little more organised, but at the same time I think the fact that it was so relaxed made it all the better.

We didn't have a professional photographer either, all the photos were taken by friends (a few of whom just happen to be fantastic photographers!) which may explain why there are so many photos of me looking like this. Sigh.

A little dance

This is what Sophie does when I ask her to jump in the car..

Conscious chocolate

I wrote a long post about ethical chocolate choices and the health benefits of raw cocoa, but all I really wanted to say was that this chocolate tastes so good.

Check out their website here.

A winner.. Me!

Last year I wrote a post about 'Oh Mabel!' A wonderful small Australian business that makes the most adorable organic bed linen I have ever seen.
I had been swooning over the sheet sets for some time and had convinced myself that there could not be a better time for me to indulge in some new sheets, when I WON a set!
I entered a giveaway over at 'Gallop Lifestyle' and won the yellow pinwheel sheet set.
I could not believe my luck!

'Oh Mabel!' bed linen is available online at 'Gallop Lifestyle' - a lovely online homewares store (their online shop stocks some really great products.. make sure you check it out).

Thank you so much to the girls at Gallop Lifestyle and Oh Mabel.

Image via 'Oh Mabel!'

Leather

Today is our 3rd wedding anniversary.

To my darling husband, 

Even though you are slightly obsessive with cleaning and can't relax until the house is clean and all the washing is done, even though you love spending all your spare time cooking delicious meals, even though you bring me special treats from the farmers market every weekend, even though you bring me tea and breakfast in bed every morning, even though you spend every second of your time making sure that Sophie and I are happy and healthy..

I still love you.
Yep. 

Hooked

Look what arrived on my doorstep this morning. Now, I just need to figure out how to crochet.
Apparently that is easier said than done.
Wish me luck.

Perfect.

The strangest thing just happened to me.
I was lying in bed (of course!) and looking up pregnancy books on my iPad (iBooks).
I came across a book called 'High risk pregnancy - Why Me?' It was written by a woman in the US who had a little boy that was stillborn at 22 weeks, and later she went on to have 2 successful full-term pregnancies.

Her book is half emotional support for people dealing with cervical stitches, best rest and the worry that comes after having a premature stillborn baby and half a medical reference guide, as she has spent the last 4 years researching everything to do with premature labour, incompetent cervix, the benefits of bed rest etc.

This is the blurb from the back of the book:

'You're tired, stressed and frustrated. Bed rest seems like a life sentence, and worry drowns out the voice of hope. However, through her own emotional story, Author Kelly Whitehead will help you understand that it's possible to manage during a high-risk pregnancy.
'High-Risk Pregnancy - Why Me?' gives you the emotional reassurance and medical guidance necessary to face - and even enjoy - a high risk pregnancy.
Designed as the comprehensive guide for possible preterm mothers, their families and doctors, 'Why Me?' lays out the relevant medical information in an easy-to-understand format because it's written for you - a mother at risk of an early delivery.'

Could there be a book that is more perfect for me? I feel like it was written for me personally!
Crazy.

If you know anyone who is going through a high risk pregnancy (or planning to) please forward this post or send them the link to the website, as I know I would be so grateful if someone had sent it to me.

Random photo of some flowers that Sophie picked for me on her way home from school one day.

Now and then

I have been thinking a lot about pregnancy lately (fancy that?) I have been thinking about how incredibly different it was being pregnant with Sophie. A pregnancy free from worry, a pregnancy that was full of joy and wonder.. and no stress.

I fell pregnant with Sophie a few weeks months after I met Tom. It was a very big surprise (as you can imagine, but one that just felt right). I had the easiest pregnancy (other than a bit of morning sickness in the first few months) and spent the entire pregnancy dreaming about the little baby I would meet at the end. Because being pregnant means that you get a baby at the end, of course.

I was super healthy (other than the strange cheeseburger cravings at 2am), I went to pre-natal yoga twice a week, I walked down to Bondi Beach and went swimming almost every day during summer, I drank fresh juice every morning, I crapped on about how my kids will never have plastic toys or watch tv (so, so ignorant) and I don't think I saw a single doctor during the entire pregnancy.

I gave birth at the local birth centre with a midwife and after a natural 4 hour labour (I mean 4 hours from being fast asleep thinking I had 10 days or so left.. to holding a little baby in my arms. It was so quick!) I went home the same day.

Tom and I thought that this whole baby making thing was pretty damn easy.

And then life had other plans.

The last 3 years or so have been filled with loss and longing. I have spent every single day during that time desperately trying to fall pregnant or desperately trying to stay pregnant. There has not been a single day when I have had relief from those thoughts.

So now I am pregnant for the 5th time. I have seen more doctors than I can count, I have been hospitalised, went through surgery, had more hormones/ pain killers/ antibiotics etc. pumped into my body than I have had in my whole life, had more blood tests, ultrasounds (10 at last count), tests, tubes, monitors.. you name it.

But, the biggest difference? The fear. The fear that haunts you every day. The worry. The Anxiety. The what ifs? The unknown.

The hope. The hope that things will work out this time.


/Photo of me 35 weeks pregnant with Sophie/

Simplicity

My friend Maia from julia warr on Vimeo.

I came across this video yesterday. You must watch it.

"Shot in Fire Island, New York, this film captures the secrets of eternal youth as Maia Helles, a Russian ballet dancer turns 95 but still remains resolutely independent, healthy and as fit as a forty year old. Made by Julia Warr, artist and film maker met Maia on a plane 4 years ago and became utterly convinced by the benefits of her daily exercise routine, which Maia perfected, together with her Mother, over 60 years ago, long before exercise classes were ever invented."

|Video found via Simple Lovely|

The light at the end of the tunnel

I have not posted for a few days because, well, I did not really have anything nice to write.
I've been feeling a little down the last few days and struggling with bed rest. I'm so bored, I'm so lonely and my neck and back are killing from lying in bed all day, every day.

I also feel like the light at the end of the tunnel just keeps getting further away. If you have been reading my blog for a while you will know that I spent every second of last year desperately trying to fall pregnant.. It was all I wanted. But, once I finally fell pregnant I became consumed with the fear of having another miscarriage and wondering if I would get through the surgery. Then we made it through the surgery and now I just wish that I could get to 30 weeks and be over the 'risky' stage of the pregnancy and be that little bit closer to having a healthy full-term baby in my arms.

Tom thinks that we should be so happy at the moment (I have no idea how that man manages to remain  so optimistic 24 hours a day.. seriously, he does not stop for a minute) because I am pregnant (!!) and we got through the stitch. The hard part is over.. all I have to do now is rest and my Ob is pretty confident that with the stitch and bed rest we have an excellent chance of everything turning out perfectly.

I think that I may just have way to much time on my hands at the moment.. Too much time to think and too much time to worry. There are only so many hours of the day you can spend watching Offspring.

Confessions.

I am covered in crumbs. I have eaten every single meal in bed for the last two weeks, sometimes Sophie and Tom join me for a family picnic on the bed. There are crumbs. Lots of crumbs. It's crummy. (Yes, I'm that funny).

I actually count down the days till the next issue of Real Living comes out every month. And then I wait at the newsagent before they open on the day it comes out (I don't really because I have a subscription, but I could!)

I no longer shower every day. I don't remember the last time I shaved my legs or washed my hair. I feel so sorry for my poor husband, but really.. all I do is lie in bed all day. Do I really need to bother? I think not.
(Sophie asked me yesterday if she will get hairy legs when she is a big girl and I replied "yes" and she shuddered. True story.)

It's our wedding anniversary in a few weeks, I bought Tom something that I really want. (A set of these. Do not click on that link if you are my husband).

I told my friends that being on bed rest will be great for our savings because I will no longer do groceries every day, meet friends for coffee, go shopping or leave the house at all and they all laughed at me. I now know why. (Imagine if you could spend all day on Etsy!)

Sometimes I watch Gossip Girl. I'm so glad I got that off my chest.

The Richmond Weekender

I have been meaning to write a post for ages about how being married to my husband is very bad for ones self-esteem. Because his parents, step-parents and his 5 little sisters are all freakin' geniuses!

One of Tom's little sisters graduated from RMIT last year and landed the coolest job working for a super trendy little design studio in Melbourne. Their latest project was 'The Richmond Weekender'.

Doesn't it look like the coolest place to spend a lazy weekend? You can read more about it here.

|Photos by Maria Gemmola via The Design Files|

Adjusting

A few people have asked how Sophie is adjusting to having a mummy who spends 24 hours a day in bed. It has been an adjustment but we are all doing as well as any family can I guess.

The last year or so has been difficult for Sophie. She had only just turned 3 when Grace died and could not really comprehend what had happened. For months afterwards she would ask questions like "Mummy, why did our baby die?" or worse "Mummy, when I grow up will my baby die too?" or "Mummy, why do all my friends have a little brother or sister to play with, but I don't?" For months afterwards she would draw pictures of our family with four people "mummy, daddy, me and the baby that died".

We have always tried to be as honest as we can about what happened and try to remind her that one day she will have a little brother or sister, it just takes some mums and dads longer than others. Yesterday she asked me if she will "have to lie in bed to help her baby grow" when she grows up. The poor little thing.. It is all very confusing for a 4 year old.

The funny thing is that I actually get to spend more quality time with Sophie now than I ever had before. I have nothing to do, nowhere to go and I can sit her with her for hours reading books and doing puzzles. I find it amazing how little quality time I spent with her before. We were always doing things, had somewhere to be, playdates, dinner to cook, cleaning to do, and apart from a few stories before bed I rarely sat down and just read stories, played games with her and listened to her tales about her day.

It's quite nice really.

A new rhythm

I've been in bed for 5 days now and, well, I'm going a little crazy. Tom thinks that it is difficult at the moment because it's such an adjustment from being able to walk around all day and things will get easier as I get used to my days in bed and find some sort of rhythm to my time. Tom also thinks its a fabulous opportunity.. he thinks I am lucky! He keeps telling me to think of all the things I could do if I really put my mind to it.. learn another language, study evolutionary biology, study the history of art, read all the classics, etc. etc. (These are all the things that Tom would like to do I think!)

I think the reason I am finding it hard is because I feel perfectly fine. It feels really strange to be lying in bed all day when you are perfectly healthy.. and boy, do I miss going outside! But.. It will all be worth it in the end. I daydream every day about giving birth to a healthy full-term baby.. It is going to be the best moment of my life!

I have been filling my days reading, watching movies, knitting and playing with Sophie (reading books, doing puzzles).. And quite a bit of sleeping.
It's funny, so many of my friends (especially the ones with two or more kids) said that spending time in bed, while your husband brings you food and drinks sounded like paradise. I agree with them, but I think 2 weeks in bed might be a nice relaxing break, but 6 months? That's going to be a little tricky!


P.s Does anyone know where I can buy knitting, crochet and embroidery supplies online?

Let the rest begin!

Phew! We are certainly glad that the stitch is in and everything went well. It's like a weight has been lifted off our shoulders!

We felt very relaxed going into hospital. It felt like months of anxiety had come to an end, even though we were hours away from the surgery. I felt fine right up until the moment I got wheeled into pre-surgery and had to say goodbye to Tom. I asked the anesthetist if there were any risks having a general anaesthetic while pregnant and she said "Do you need to have the stitch?" "Um, yes" "Do you want to bite on a piece of wood during the surgery?" "Um, no" "Okay, then don't worry about the risks".
Gulp.

I got taken into the operating room and got asked to count to 10 while the anesthetist administered the anaesthetic and a team of nurses started inserting tubes and sticking wires all over me. I got to 4.

I woke up in post-surgery and was shaking like crazy so a nurse covered me in warm blankets and gave me oxygen. I realised I was in the worst pain but it was exactly like my obstetrician (Ob) described it would be, so I tried not to worry.
I was taken back up to my room where Tom was waiting and he said that my Ob had called him straight after the surgery and told him it went very well. My Ob came up a few hours later and did an ultrasound to show me that all was well.. Boy, it was such a relief to see that little baby still wriggling around!

I spent the next few days being monitored to make sure my cervix did not 'react' to the stitch. I was given more pain killers in that 48 hours than I have ever had in my life. I was so worried and I had to ask about 10 people "Are you sure this is safe to take while pregnant?" before I took anything.

Just before I was about to go home I felt quite short of breath and I casually mentioned to the nurse that I was having trouble breathing.. all of a sudden I had about 10 doctors in the room, cords attached all over me and was rushed down to the cardiac ward. Tom rushed to the hospital and the cardiologist told us that they were just waiting for tests to see if I had had a heart attack or a blot clot in my lung. I thought all I said is that 'I was a little out of breath' and all of a sudden there were alarms going off. We were told by the nurse that most likely everything is fine, you just need to be extra cautious when someone has come out of surgery. We finally got the all clear and were allowed to go home.

And now.. 270 days of bed rest!

For some strange reason (lets call it boredom) Tom decided to take pictures of me every few minutes. Glad we have that experience captured so persistently.

A quick update

Hi Everyone. I'm just about to leave for the hospital but I just wanted to say thank you for all the lovely comments and emails I have received. I had my 12 week scan yesterday and everything looks great (there is a very lovely little bubba wiggling around in my tummy)!

We also had a long chat with my obstetrician and strangely, we are feeling more relaxed about the surgery today than we have ever been. We are in such good hands and we are feeling quite confident that things will go well. I also found out that I will be going under a general anaesthetic today and I am actually quite relieved that I don't have to be awake while a doctor threads a needle in and out of my cervix! Ouch!

I also wanted to say sorry if you sent me an email and I have not replied yet. I realised a few days ago that I will not be getting out of bed for the next 6 months and all of a sudden I had a million things to do! I will get back to everyone in the next few days (I'm going to have quite a bit of time on my hands after all!)

Thanks again for all you thoughts and kind wishes.
Xxx