The year that was.

Thank god the year is almost at an end! It has been the worst year of my life, I mean, how could it not be? I began the year by giving birth to a dead baby.

I am so sick of the pain that surrounds my life every single day. I would do anything in the world to have someone erase the memory of Grace from my mind. I know (hope) that one day her memory will bring me comfort that at least I got to carry her for those precious 6 months and at lease I got to hold her after she was born and tell her how much she was loved. But, at the moment (still only 11 months since her death) her memory haunts me every single day of my life.

I can't go anywhere without imaganing myself with 2 little girls. I imagine how old Grace would be and what she would be doing. At Christmas, I imagined the joy that she would have brought the whole family, some meeting Grace for the first time.
At the park, I'll see a mum with 2 little girls.. one Sophie's age and one a few months old and I think 'that should be me'. But it's not because my little baby is dead.

I get asked almost every day "Is Sophie your only child" and I hate the answer, whatever way I choose to respond (The truthful way or the socially polite way). All the mothers in my mothers group or playgroup with kids that are the same age as Sophie have all had baby number two and most have even had baby number three. It kills me. It kills me every day.

I still wonder why this had to happen to us. I sometimes imagine the alternative universe where Grace is alive and how happy I am. And then I sometimes wonder if I will ever be truly happy again. Grief is like a blanket that has been pulled over the entire world.. There are lots of wonderful things but they are all a little less bright than before.

On top of the unbearable pain of grief, the anger, frustration and sheer heartbreak that I feel after almost a year of negative pregnancy tests is really starting to get me down. I know that another baby will never replace Grace, but really, the only thing I want in the world is to have another baby. I have watched almost every single friend I have either fall pregnant or give birth this year. Of course, I am happy for them but it hurts soo much. I just think "why not me?" And I am soo sick of Tom telling me that it will be my turn soon.

I did a pregnancy test this morning. I had a really good feeling about it. I thought it would be so nice to end the year with the best news ever, but it was negative (again) and now I just want to go to bed and hope that this year ends.. quickly.

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It's funny though, because it's also been a good year (if you take away the grief and frustration). Moving to Perth has been wonderful for us and I am really glad we decided to make the move. I have made soo many wonderful friends in Perth who have all put up with my whinging about not falling pregnant (even when most of them are pregnant themselves), I have loved being close to Tom's family who are all so wonderful and supportive and I really feel at home here.

Sophie has made so many lovely friends, we found an excellent montessori school where she has just thrived and she just loves being close to all her grand-parents and aunties. Tom loves his new job here and has remained the eternal optimist throughout everything.

I guess that I do still have quite a bit to be grateful for. So, after that little rant.. I hope that you all have a wonderful 2012. Thanks for all your support over the last year, especially all your kind words and encouragement. I am really, really looking forward to a new year..

Night everyone x



P.s Tea definitely tastes better in a Kate Spade tea cup

FOUR.

Sophie turned 4 a few days ago. We had a little get together with the family and a few close friends as Sophie had already had her birthday party at the beginning of the month.

It was a bittersweet day for me. It's so lovely to see our beautiful little girl growing up (of course that is also sad in it's own way), but for me it was a tough day because I can't believe that I have a four year old and... no little baby.

Anyways, happy birthday my darling girl!

Bubbles

Tom's little sister (who is a super trendy young designer) brought several bottles of this Champagne to Christmas.
I rarely drink alcohol (I think I drank enough in my uni days to make up for a lifetime of future abstinence) but I couldn't resist a glass of this Champagne.. I am such a sucker for pretty labels!

(Actually, I think 'Sparkling wine' is the correct term, but eh.)

Christmas etc.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. We had a lovely Christmas in sunny ol' Perth.

Christmas in the Porter family is filled with traditions that have been going since Tom was a kid..
The night before includes reading 'the night before Christmas' as a whole family before leaving milk, cookies and carrots out for santa and his reindeer. The next morning everyone draws a name out of a hat to take turns in opening presents while we have tea and croissants. (This takes about 2 hours as the are so many people and soo many presents).
Afterwards everyone heads to the beach for a swim before coming home and getting busy in the kitchen.
The rest of the family arrive at about 3pm and there is another hour or so of opening presents before we all sit down to a late lunch/ early dinner that goes well into the night.

I can't wait to share some of the lovely things I got with you..

Secret Santa

Last month Chantelle from Fat Mum Slim organised a 'social media secret santa'. It was such a great idea and I got the best gift ever.. a Rob Ryan plate that I had been dreaming about for some time.. I could not believe it when I saw it!
So thanks for organising Chantelle and thanks to my secret santa.

You can find the same lovely plate for sale at Lark.

Homemade Christmas

Last Christmas we made every single gift that we gave to family and friends. We made marmalade, lemon cordial, roasted muesli and I made clothes for all the kids. This year I had the same intentions.. we were going to make chutneys and pestos and all sorts of things, but we have been so busy that we never got around to it.

I made up for it though, by buying everything from lovely little shops in my local area like this one and this one, that sell handmade (and often Australian) products. It was actually nice to choose thoughtful little gifts, and I know that Tom's little sisters will be happy to get something other than muesli! (Do you really think that a 19 year old uni student wants lemon cordial for Christmas?! Especially since before Tom met me (and had a lovely disposable income) he would spend about $200 on each sister every Christmas (remember he has FIVE little sisters)! Of course, none of them would ever complain about getting a bottle of homemade cordial after they are use to getting a new MimCo wallet (they are all lovely, down-to-earth girls), but I think they will be happy to get something non-edible this year!!)

Did you do a homemade Christmas? Any suggestions for things I can make next year?

Only 4 more sleeps..

The weekend that was..

Life is so busy at the moment, but in a good way! Can you believe that is it less than a week till Christmas? Crazy!

We had a lovely weekend.. We celebrated Tom's dad's 67th birthday with a big family breakfast and pavlova later that night, We went for a swim at the beach and tried to teach Sophie how to surf, We went up to the farm, We went out to Sushi train (Sophie's favourite), We did some Christmas shopping, We had lovely Christmas pies from this bakery (Tom's little sister flew in from Melbourne and had picked them up on the way to the airport), I spent a few hours curled up with the latest issue of Frankie and a peppermint tea, Tom and I went to the Moonlight Cinema and drank Champagne together under the stars*, We ate more pavlova and then (all of a sudden) it was Sunday night.

*It sounds like it was very romantic, but I should note here that I complained about all the people spraying insect repellent on every inch of their body and how it was toxic and I could not breath and it was stinging my eyes, and could we move somewhere else and Tom told me that I have the ability to find something negative in every single situation. We still cuddled under the blanket though.

Garlic prawns

Dinner = Bill Granger's garlic prawns,
Salad, Crusty sourdough, Olives, Dukkah.

Patchwork tutu

There is the loveliest little fabric shop just a few minutes walk from our house. The girl who owns the shop is called Sophie too and (my) Sophie loves going there almost as much as I do.
A few months ago, Sophie (the owner of the store) showed me how to make this kids skirt made out of scrap fabric pieces and tulle. She does private lessons in the store and I had the loveliest time there, drinking tea and learning how to make this skirt.

In full bloom

I have had 4 close friends all give birth to baby girls in the last few weeks, so I have been busy making little baby bloomers in sweet fabrics. I finished one pair late last night and hope to finish the rest in the next few days.
It's so nice to be back on my sewing machine. I have not been sewing for a few weeks as my back was so sore after the accident and then I was busy preparing for Sophie's birthday party.
I actually think I get a bit cranky if I don't sew for a few weeks.. Maybe sewing for me is like exercise is for some people!?

Louloueskimo

I found this beautiful French brand of kids clothes the other day called Louloueskimo.
I wish they made that polka dot skirt in my size.

The weekend that I needed. (Gotye included).

We had a lovely weekend up at the farm. (We call it 'the farm' even though it is really half vineyard and half horse stables.. I think because "Shall we head up to the vineyard this weekend" sounds a bit wanky).

It was just what I needed I think, and best of all we went and saw Gotye play at the Belvoir Amphitheatre (it's the most amazing outdoor venue) that is conveniently located about 5 minutes from the farm.

Tom and I used to go and see live music all the time and we both really miss it. The Gotye concert was really good, but I must be getting old because it was so loud and went soo late (I'm such a granny!)

I was thinking today about all the good music we went and saw before Sophie was born. Seeing the French singer Camille live in concert was probably one of the best things I have ever seen, and pretty close second was C.W Stoneking and Regina Spektor.

So tell me.. what was the best concert you have ever been to?

Photo of Sophie and her cousin Ella (and Tom's feet) up at the farm.

Kids room

I love this room. In fact, I love the whole house.

Pavlova

I have been making quite a bit of pavlova lately. Such a perfect desert on warm summer nights.
I just have to learn to stop at one piece!

The Dance

Sophie likes to wear my shoes.
She also likes to dance.
Lately, we have been dancing to this song and this song.
And, if you want to see the best moves ever, watch this.
(Sophie is going to kill me when she is 21!)

Moscot

I bought these Moscot sunnies a few months ago. I never usually buy expensive sunnies because I am sure I will just loose them or drop them, but I saw a mum wearing these at the park and I fell in love with them (I'm obsessed with olive green at the moment).
I guess if I wear them everyday for the next year it will be worth the cost, right?

P.s If they are good enough for Johnny Depp, they are good enough for me!

C'est Moi

My lovely friend Annelie took some photos of me for my new website (It's coming one day.. I promise!)
If you live in Perth and need a good photographer, I can highly recommend Annelie.
You can find her website here.

Rainbow Cake

I'm not sure what on earth possessed me to make a rainbow cake for Sophie's party, especially since Tom is the champion baker around here, not me! ..But, I did it!
It took me till 1am the night before and it looked so bad the next morning (it was 35 degrees in Perth that day and all the icing kept melting off) that I quickly made a chocolate cake just in case I needed a back-up!

It turned out alright.. not the prettiest cake from the outside, but hey.. none of the kids seemed to care.

Party time. Before..

Milk jug

I really like this milk jug. Perhaps someone will get it for me for Christmas?

Speaking of Christmas, If you want to see something funny... watch this.

Milk jug (and other nice things) from here.

And sometimes life sucks

Last week I had an acupuncture appointment where my acupuncturist told me that it's very important to remain as calm and stress free as possible around ovulation. (Apparently they did a study and proved that the mental state of the mother can affect conception.. Hmm.)

So, the next day I went to a Christmas festival and while Sophie was playing giant chess with her friends I turned around and said something to my friend and when I looked back Sophie was gone. GONE. I spent the next 15 minutes running around like a crazy woman yelling at the top of my lungs. The police were called. I was certain she had been kidnapped and then finally the police found her. Worst 15 minutes of my life (almost).

The day after that I had a terrible car accident. I was waiting at the lights when a car ran into the back of me at 70km an hour and I then hit the car in front. I spent the whole weekend in bed with the worst back pain. I have had chiro appointments, physio appointments and remedial massage and I can now move my head. Woo hoo.

Then I saw my fertility doctor who told me that I should just sit tight for the next 2 months and we can start fertility treatment again in February (I think it's because he wants to go on Christmas holidays) and that made me unhappy.

Then I did another pregnancy test and it was negative. Again.

And then I cried.

(Random photo. At least it's strawberry season!)