03 September 2011

Baby. Baby. Baby?

Katie- Bondi -2007

Remember this photo?

I can not believe that it was almost exactly a year ago that I wrote this post about how desperately I wanted to be pregnant again.

I can not believe that it's been 8 months since Grace died and I am still not pregnant.

I can not believe that we have spent the last 2 1/2 years trying to have another baby. Falling pregnant and losing the baby. Again and again.

I can not believe that the gap between Sophie and her little brother or sister will be at least 4 1/2 years.

I can not believe that my only hope of having another baby is to have a stitch put in my cervix (which has a 10% chance of miscarriage) and spend the entire pregnancy on bed-rest.

I can not believe that almost every single friend I have has either fallen pregnant or given birth in the last 8 months.

I can not believe how unfair it feels.

I can not believe how much it hurts.


13 comments:

Maddie said...

Oh Katie - sending all my love. It's all so unfair you are having to live through this. Remembering Grace with you and hoping soon you're posting about how anxious you are and how boring bed rest is. xx

Tania said...

Dear Katie, it is not fair and nobody should have to go through something like this. Sending hugs xo

Lexi:: PottyMouthMama said...

It does stink, and it's not fair.

Thinking of you, x

nicole said...

Hi Katie. Yes, it's definitely not fair what's happened to you and the journey you have to go on to have another baby. x

PS. For some reason, I've been pondering age differences between siblings and I've come to the conclusion that that "age difference" thing is like that "what age is the best age to have a baby" thing. I think for both cases, there are positives and negatives to both. I reckon it's best not to worry about what's considered normal but go to the natural beat of our own lives.

Jacinta @ modelmumma said...

I have wondered why it is so easy for some to fall pregnant and others go through so much pain and anguish. All I know is that things happen for a reason and always for the best, even if we have no idea what that may be at the time. Just trust that when the time is right, things will happen.
Thinking of you, take each day as it comes! x

Fiona Caldarevic said...

Katie I really feel for you. My husband & I have been trying for a while.. long story involving a cancer diagnosis and then various IVF cycles and miscarriages.. it's so hard and I really really feel for you. But just so you know, my husband's relatives all have kids with several years age difference between siblings. When it's not what you have imagined, it'd be hard, but with a more open mind, it's actually really good. Instant babysitter for starters. Best of luck, hope it works out for you.

bron @ baby space said...

I send you love.

carly said...

You are right. It is not fair. Some people are meant to be parents, and others (who have no right) should not.
I wish you well, maybe your spirit is not ready and your body knows this?
Sending you hugs,

Carly

Silverdragon said...

Hi Katie - this is my first visit to your blog (which is beautiful, btw).

I really do feel for you and know something of the pain you are feeling. We have also experienced multiple miscarriages - three before our naturally conceived daughter, then two more after. Eventually we turned to IVF for our second daughter and found that my eggs were a little 'generous' in letting in sperm (each allowing two in, which is fatal to the embryo) so we had to do another cycle with ICSI.

Do you know whether your miscarriages are only due to your cervix? If so and the stitch and rest are the only solution, I guess at least you have an answer, as frustrating as it is.

I wish you success in your journey and hope that it doesn't take too long. Lots of (((hugs)))!

Anonymous said...

I just followed your link from MummaMia . . . it is not fair and I know how you feel. My daughter is almost 3 and we have had 2 miscarriages in the past 6 months. Don't worry too much about the sibling gap. The way I am looking at it is that my daughter will have Mummy and Daddy all to herself until school time and then I will have that beautiful one-on-one time with the next baby when it eventually comes along!
It will all work out and you will get there. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you

Evie said...

I too have followed your link from mamamia... i can't put it ino to words, but i have tears and I'm so sorry.
There is a gap of 8 years between my 2 cherubs, and while we never had the pain of a stillbirth, we only concieved 1 other child during that time, who we lost at 6 weeks... It was so hard for us to concieve our miracle son, I couldn't even believe it when 2 lines appeared on the test. I hope to eventually have another, but we will have see if we shall be blessed with another.
I hope you are blessed with another one, too. older siblings are very good helpers. :)

Silverdragon said...

Oh yes, I meant to comment on the gap too. We wanted our kids to be about two years apart. Our girls are now five-and-a-quarter years apart and honestly, I think it's great. In retrospect, it would have been a really difficult time to have another baby when the first was only two. At five, she is old enough to be helpful, somewhat independent and capable of doing things for herself.

I agree with Nicole that whatever gap you have, you'll find it's 'just right'. Also what Anonymous said about having the one-on-one time with both children, with the older one at school when the second comes along - I am finding this fantastic. You get the best of both worlds. :)

C. said...

I jumped from MM as well... Massive hugs for you. I'm feeling all of these things at the moment after a recent missed miscarriage gpund at 8 weeks. Nothing like a preterm birth, but still earth shattering. I keep thinking about the age gap as well- makes me feel sad for my little girl ;(
Best of luck for a happy, healthy bubba soon xx

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